I am not going to take this anymore
Diary... Got off that dreaded Ambilify. I took it for three days and thought I was going out of my mind. If I wanted to feel like I had ingested three eight balls of cocaine.. I would have just done the cocaine instead. At least.. there would have been SOME good feeling that came out of it! It was absolutely sheer hell. I dont know how anyone can take that stuff. I felt like I was in a dream all day long for three days.. I felt like I was looking up from this dark well.. and nothing seemed real. It was hard to smile and it was hard to talk. I felt like I had soo much anxiety and I felt even more depressed. All I wanted to do was sleep. How anyone can take that medication.. I will never know!
In getting off of that medication.. I feel like I am myself again. I see colors.. I hear music, I can smile and laugh. I am funny again and entertaining... I am sweet and personable. I am myself again. I am sorry, but if I only get depressed about two weeks out of the year.. I am willing to just be depressed for that time. I did NOT have a good experience with the head doctor nor the medication! IT just makes me lose faith in the medical field.
Perhaps.. I should try something more geared towards anxiety. I just need something to calm me down every once in a while. I dont feel like I am depressed. I play three different musical instruments, I dance, I sing every in town, I write music for tv and film and I am constantly trying new things. That doesnt sound like someone that is depressed. I still look good... I weigh 140 but I am almost six feet tall.... I can feel myself aging sometimes though and that is depressing. I used to model and take things for granted.. Now we dont do that when we look in the mirror. Now all I do is look at my face and try to remember what it was like when I could look in the mirror and actually think that I was pretty. I want a face lift.. people think I am crazy. But I am a showgirl and without prime looks.. we get less and less work. I figure.. I have another good 15 years of showbiz ahead of me. I am sorry but this is THE place to be for AGED ARTISTS! I am in the right spot! LOL.. I just have to really be concerned if I end up at the Orleans. That is like the last stop before death.. LOL
Wait, I think I one-upped that... I actually did a gig with "The Beav" the other night. I called my Mom and Dad laughing and told them, "You are not going to believe this".. It was the first time I had laughed in a while... It felt really good..
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