Woke up in the hospital again! Damn! I am not sure if I am mad that I woke up in the hospital or that i just woke up!!! This is what scares me.. i am a fully functional, very attractive, in shape 35 year old woman with a man who loves me and a great career! What do I have to be soo damn depressed about! I have lived a life that many people dream about.. great money, celebrities, partial fame.. this is shallow I know... these things are not important but it is to say this......There is only one answer.. I just THINK I am depressed! This silly old brain of me just tells me that life is not worth living sometimes... its like I have the devil in my head! I know that I should be happy! I know that I am lucky and loved! I must keep telling myself this!
But sometimes.. like when I used to cut myself... I do something, anything.. to escape that low rumbling continual, annoying pain! Anything to make it stop! I cant remember all the times that I slashed my arms. I never felt the pain...! I dont really remember. But I have the scars to prove it. And they embarrase me sometimes.. I have to pull my arm away quickly when I think someone is noticing! And they are hard to hide when you are in the spotlight every night! I wonder what do they think? Do people think I am crazy? That is the hardest part of all! I am not crazy.. I just hurt so much that it drives me crazy!!. I guess I let it.. I guess if I was an insensitive bitch, then I would be just fine. Doesnt it seem like the most evil of people are just focused and soo calculated? Maybe... we really are the crazy ones because we dont let evil seep into our hearts and souls. Maybe its the other way around!
I know how Elvis felt, how Jim Morrison felt, how Janis Joplin felt when they just kept self medicating themselves to the point of death. I have been there.. over and over and over.. except.. I always survive. All we want is to be loved.. our whole lives... all we do is sing for people.. entertain for people.. try to bring joy to people. But all people do to us is try to tear us down, rip us up, make us feel bad about ourselves... my agent is constantly trying to take away everything that makes me... me! And when I tell him.. I want to quit drinking.. he says.. "Dont stop" And when I told him I was getting on Meds and this was the last time he was going to see old Me.. he said "But I liked the Old you". This coming from someone who gets on to me every single fucking day about one thing or the other... being sick, or not putting enough energy in the show, or being hung because friends are in town, or being depressed, or feeling lethargic! I cant control these things! They control me! Seriously!! I cant win.!
And now I read about all these people that are on meds and they feel like Zombies. Is that what is going to happen to me? Im scared! I am starting tomorrow.. will I turn into the Bride of Frankenstein? LOL ! How am I even going to know how I am acting? I havent really known how sick I have been my whole life? How am I going to know if I am better? Help me God!