|Current music:||air- playground love|
"it was as though this plan had been with him all his life, pondered though the seasons, now in his fifteenth year crystallized with the pain of puberty"
we went to the fair. it was a frightening experience, about halfway through i was completely distant. something about me. something about the fair and the feeling i got. i feel as though i was just put here, and at the same time i feel like ive been living forever. the lights, everything. high as a kite. i was so happy but its different now and i dont know what it is. somehow i feel distached from everything i once knew, but when i think about it more i realize how much i dont know. something made me feel as if everything is watching wanting. i felt very alone but it was alright, it was a strange feeling, realizing that i feel the same way the world feels to me- indifferent. and tonight it just felt like i was completely by myself in what seemed to be a sea of the human race and i did not fit. all the time it just feels like everyone ive ever been attracted to is drawn to her instead of me. even if im not attracted to someone. theyre flirting. i dont know why this still bothers me since its been happening to me for 4 years. and yet i understand that i am not anything anyone wants and even though i feel like i am treated like an abnormal human with no sex, i do not feel offended anymore.i dont know why i still expect everything to be fair, why would i think that the world is a kind place. why would i think that i dont deserve something when i probably do. i feel as though i should be depressed but i just feel tired and completely indifferent. its alright.
"sometimes im afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction."
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