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torrey (torreykeenan) wrote,
@ 2003-04-08 17:52:00
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    Current mood:high
    Current music:Veruca Salt * Drop Dead Gorgeous

    I was reading Alice in Wonderland. Reading & thinking about Jaz. I wondered what he was doing right that second - what slut girl he was slinking into some S&M club with while I was just sprawled here, reading a fucking book. In Jamaica for Chrissakes.

    I started thinking about his body. What it would look like eviscerated. What I would use to gut him. A rusty coathanger. A antique hunting knife. A meat hook. The possibilities were endless. I was fantasizing about his intestines spilling out into his lap while he was still concious. I was probably panting with lust and foaming at the mouth with eagerness.

    But he isn't worth my eagerness. So I took a pill. Closed my eyes and picked one. It was yellow, kind of small. So I found another just like it and swallowed them both without water. They tickled all the way down.

    I realized when it hit me - the same familiar, sucking sensation of being pulled into a chemical euphora, that I only needed one. Just 5 milligrams to make me forget about all the bullshit that I've endured the past 4 years. And here I had taken two.

    My head is so heavy now, my eyelids want to close, want to open, want to close. They just perpetually blink, making my lamp dance in dim yellow dots just in front of me. I have my feet on the pillow, my head at the foot of the bed.

    Staring at this poster of Sid Vicious. He wavers and his muscles move, like he's breathing. My breathing matches his. Its in and out, slow and steady. I become a part of him, paper and all. This is madness.

    This is happiness. I need someone to share this feeling with. Someone to lie in the air conditioning with me and forget we exist.

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2003-04-08 19:47 (link)
If I were to even use a sharp object to kill someone I'd make sure the object would be dull - it would make the killing more painful - and longer. I would keep hacking, and hacking, and hacking, and hacking...and hacking...

Oh, excuse me I was lost in thought there.

Maybe that person could be me - nothing like forgetting that you and a friend exist.

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2003-04-08 20:43 (link)
I specialize in mind-numbing experiences.


hah. see next journal entry.


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