Trudy Lynn (tlynnp) wrote, @ 2002-12-14 00:25:00

Current mood:	listless
Current music:	none.. im grateful for the silence..

A whole lotta thinkin' goin' on...
I'm sitting here thinking about how big of a waste my life has been. (Thats a great way to start out this journal entry! I'm sure you are hooked already, and very eager to continue reading my lovely journal of depression... )

My life in a nutshell.....

I was born April 17th, 1976. My life was nothing but the kid/school type thing until I was 15. My mom died of cancer then and my whole world as I had known it up to that point just dissolved. I hadn't dealt with death until then. Well, I sort of did when I was 12. My gram on my dad's side died on my birthday that year. It was the first time I saw a dead body. I cried, sobbed....bawled. I remember dad giving me his hanky and mom saying she was sorry and she should have prepared me better for it. I remember dad asking me if I wanted to go sit in the car. I was probably an embarassment to them. lol I didn't know my dad's mom that well since we lived in different states, but we visisted her in the nursing home where she stayed. Sometimes she knew us, sometimes she didn't. I remember feeling sad for her. My grampa on my mom's side died when I was three. I never got the chance to know him and really didn't understand things when he died.

So, when mom died...things just totally changed. I was in tenth grade. Two months shy of being 16 years old. My dad started drinking alot. He stayed gone alot. I was the last kid left at home. I thought I knew alot that I didn't. Started seeing Mark. Got into some things I shouldn't have gotten into at that age. Some bad things happened. I won't mention them here. I don't care to dwell on them anymore than I already do.

I wasted my way through highschool, failing several classes when, up until the point when mom died, I was an A student. I went to college because it was expected of me and dad said that mom told him before she died to make sure I went. I wasted my way through college too, nearly flunking out. I just had to rush through this five year period in order to get to the point where me and mark could get married. I knew when we got married that everything was going to be perfect. Just wonderful. I would have no more worries, just happy days. Thats the biggest load of shit my brain ever came up with.

I got married, May of '97. First year or so was good. Its been increasingly shitty ever since. Everything about my marriage, my house, my life, everything... is in shambles. I still love him, somehow, but want to leave. I want another life. Its like I want another life, but I want him too. He has major issues with being a mama's boy. He claimed once that I was just jealous because I don't have a family and he does. I've since decided its not a family, its a friggin cult. That family will probably use me for sacrifice one night...make candles out of my fat. (They'd have enough candles so they'd never have to have another electric bill, I can tell you that... haha) I don't speak to his mom, dad, brother or his wife. Thats a long story in itself. Christmas will be byond a total freaking disaster.

So now, here I am. Throw two miscarriages in there somewhere and thats my life. Pretty sucky, eh kids? What do I have to show for my life? nadda. I work at Walmart. I have a junk car that doesn't run at the moment. I have a hate/love thing going with my husband. I have no kids. I'm overweight. I've lost all but probably one teeny little ounce of my faith in the world, in anything. I have no money, but lots of bills I can't get paid. If anyone can tell me where to start fixing this shitty mess I'm in....please tell me.

And now that I'm done depressing myself further.. off I go.. lol

Been thinking on this for a while now. swack 2002-12-14 20:35 (link)

I have wanted to make a reply, but I didn't quite know how to formulate my thoughts into a statement. I think I have got something close to what I want to convey. So, with that said, here it is... semi-short and bitter-sweet. The first change has to be with you for the sake of you. It doesn't matter where the first step take you, so long as you START it. Overweight? Make a lifestyle change, and NOT just a diet -- eating better and exercising once every other day gets you going in ways I couldn't believe myself until it happened to me. Depressed over marriage? Make a bold choice to correct the issues or to end it. Anyone who gets in your way in accomplishing your goals either needs to be circumvented or outright eliminated. Will you piss people off? Maybe, but fuck 'em. This is about YOU, and YOU matter more than their typically snide and petty concerns would have you believe. Faith comes from within you about your place in the world with the Forces That Be. If you can motivate yourself to make a change, then the fixing will start. It isn't about getting it all done or right either; it's totally about making the changes START to happen. That will give you more faith than anything else, I feel. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: Been thinking on this for a while now. tlynnp 2002-12-15 23:07 (link)

I'd like to thank you for taking the time to give me some very good advice. Everything you said made sense to me, and confirmed my impression of you as being a very intelligent person. I didn't mean to sound all "boo-hoo, poor me.." Its just unbelievable how out of control my life is right now. There is nothing about my life that I like anymore, nothing that brings much happiness to me at all. If I look at it all as a whole, I am overwhelmed. Everything is such a mess, how can I possibly fix it all. But like you said, start making changes. I loved your comment::: "Anyone who gets in your way in accomplishing your goals either needs to be circumvented or outright eliminated. Will you piss people off? Maybe, but fuck 'em. " Thats just great! I WANT that attitude. lol I can think of several people who would fall into the "outright elimination" category. lol Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you and your advice. I wish I had things together as well as you do. Maybe someday I will. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

You're welcome. Just to be clear, however: swack 2002-12-16 12:19 (link)

I don't think that you were sounding sorry for yourself. If anything, you sounded overwhelmed and did what I think I would have done -- as for suggestions. That is why I replied. As for me haing things together, I dunno about that. All I do know is that sometimes kickstarting things gets momentum going to make those changes you really need to make in your life. Good luck to you when you do start; I am sure Karma will smile favorably on you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)