|Current mood:|| listless|
|Current music:||none.. im grateful for the silence..|
A whole lotta thinkin' goin' on...
I'm sitting here thinking about how big of a waste my life has been. (Thats a great way to start out this journal entry! I'm sure you are hooked already, and very eager to continue reading my lovely journal of depression... )
My life in a nutshell.....
I was born April 17th, 1976. My life was nothing but the kid/school type thing until I was 15. My mom died of cancer then and my whole world as I had known it up to that point just dissolved. I hadn't dealt with death until then. Well, I sort of did when I was 12. My gram on my dad's side died on my birthday that year. It was the first time I saw a dead body. I cried, sobbed....bawled. I remember dad giving me his hanky and mom saying she was sorry and she should have prepared me better for it. I remember dad asking me if I wanted to go sit in the car. I was probably an embarassment to them. lol I didn't know my dad's mom that well since we lived in different states, but we visisted her in the nursing home where she stayed. Sometimes she knew us, sometimes she didn't. I remember feeling sad for her. My grampa on my mom's side died when I was three. I never got the chance to know him and really didn't understand things when he died.
So, when mom died...things just totally changed. I was in tenth grade. Two months shy of being 16 years old. My dad started drinking alot. He stayed gone alot. I was the last kid left at home. I thought I knew alot that I didn't. Started seeing Mark. Got into some things I shouldn't have gotten into at that age. Some bad things happened. I won't mention them here. I don't care to dwell on them anymore than I already do.
I wasted my way through highschool, failing several classes when, up until the point when mom died, I was an A student. I went to college because it was expected of me and dad said that mom told him before she died to make sure I went. I wasted my way through college too, nearly flunking out. I just had to rush through this five year period in order to get to the point where me and mark could get married. I knew when we got married that everything was going to be perfect. Just wonderful. I would have no more worries, just happy days. Thats the biggest load of shit my brain ever came up with.
I got married, May of '97. First year or so was good. Its been increasingly shitty ever since. Everything about my marriage, my house, my life, everything... is in shambles. I still love him, somehow, but want to leave. I want another life. Its like I want another life, but I want him too. He has major issues with being a mama's boy. He claimed once that I was just jealous because I don't have a family and he does. I've since decided its not a family, its a friggin cult. That family will probably use me for sacrifice one night...make candles out of my fat. (They'd have enough candles so they'd never have to have another electric bill, I can tell you that... haha) I don't speak to his mom, dad, brother or his wife. Thats a long story in itself. Christmas will be byond a total freaking disaster.
So now, here I am. Throw two miscarriages in there somewhere and thats my life. Pretty sucky, eh kids? What do I have to show for my life? nadda. I work at Walmart. I have a junk car that doesn't run at the moment. I have a hate/love thing going with my husband. I have no kids. I'm overweight. I've lost all but probably one teeny little ounce of my faith in the world, in anything. I have no money, but lots of bills I can't get paid. If anyone can tell me where to start fixing this shitty mess I'm in....please tell me.
And now that I'm done depressing myself further.. off I go.. lol
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