| Current mood: |  confused |
| Current music: | loe the |
another rainy morning
i'm pretty sure that most mornings when I wake up and the world is driving me insane it's just because I need to have a smoke. Not this morning, though. All through my first smoke the anger was still pulsing through me. He makes so many promises and never seems to intend to follow anything through. And then I get accused of lecturing whenever I try to explain my perspective. Is it too much to ask a 26 year old man to not live like a fucking child? So on the mornings when I can trace my frustration back to a niccotine fit, this is about the time where I would start to feel guilty. Not today. I'm so tired of him getting angrily defensive whenever I bring up a subject he doesn't like. WELCOME TO REALITY. Laundry needs to b washed, garbage needs to be taken out, and apparently I'm responsible for all those things plus paying for grogeries and our bills. I didn't realize I was a maid who worked for half her rent to be paid alone. I feel dirty living in a mess. I don't mind a certain amount of clutter but when you can start to smell the mess things are not okay.
I feel so trapped in my life. I can never tell if he ever listens to me or just waits for me to stop talking. All I know is things never change, and I feel like after the other night when he went off about not living here, he just meant then he wouldn't have to listen to me complain about the mess. Or ever listen to another one of my 'lectures' about helping me out around the house. Apparently all I do is lecture. I get these absolute statements thrown at me constantly: "you always" and "every time" when I'm much more conscientious about what I say and when I say it. I make painstaking efforts to think about what I say before I say it. For crying out loud, if I treated him the way he treats me, he would leave.
Why am i so scared of being alone?
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