state of the union
half an hour until valentine's day. had been meaning to write something about this for a while; timing is fortuitous enough so why not now.
2008 was more or less the year of me screwing up relationships-wise, which ended up just hurting other people and myself for the most part, and to be honest it really turned me off the whole relationships thing entirely. this probably isn't forever - more's the pity - but for now i don't feel there's any point in trying to pursue a romantic relationship with anybody, because as past experience has proven it's just more trouble than it's worth. for one thing, i just get pretty damn stupid and weak and overly trusting/paranoid; a lot of the times once whatever has happened has crashed and burned, the hardest part to get over is my own behavior. there are people i'm attracted to, sure, and maybe even cautiously flirt with, and i do get lonely and want someone. but even then it's more an abstract than any specific person, just because once a specific person gets involved things tend to go to shit.
this is really coming off as pretty cynical and bitter, which isn't what i intended. it's mostly that, at this point in my life, what would the point of a romantic relationship be? i hopefully won't be spending too much time in ks after i graduate, and i don't know how much i'll see most of the people i know here after i graduate, even if we stay in roughly the same area. i've also become a terrible hermit, have i mentioned that? this semester i've gone out barely at all, and the reason for that seems to be mostly the same as well - more effort than it's worth. mostly i want to sleep or play video games (which will hopefully come to an end once i beat okami again) or work on peter pan, because it's not school work but it makes me feel like i'm actually doing something, and it's something that i mostly like doing. my housemates hang out at home a lot, so i can still be somewhat social... i just don't emerge from that bubble much anymore, because it takes effort and i still tend to get kind of uncomfortable in a lot of social situations.
i don't know entirely what's happening to me, or if anything's happening to me at all, or if it's for the worse or better. probably for the better romantically, the worse socially. the world doesn't need more idiots falling in love and damaging other people and themselves in the process.
will sleep soon. that will be good. i've been loving sleep more and more because i don't have to try to be anyone in particular when i'm sleeping. sometimes it's good to be quiet and alone.
(Post a new comment)
(Post a new comment)
|
