|Current mood:|| cranky|
Why is forgiveness so hard?
Last night I felt anger. Anger like I have never felt before and being a girl I did the girly thing and sat and cried all night. So much that my eyes still hurt this morning. The one person who is supposed to be my closest friend dumped me again so she could go off and impress other people. I simply asked her spend 30 minutes with... that's it 30 minutes! Her response "I just have so much to do I really can't." Now you do understand what that means don't you? Her response should have been "Kari I don't want to spend that time with you." Because not an hour later, 3 girls from our wing ask that same girl to go to Walmart with them which would take 2 hours at the least and she jumps on that opportunity. I was SO angry. This scenario is all too familiar lately. THIS is why I end up in my room alone all the time. When I have nothing to do, no one wants to do anything with me. When I have something to, "oh lets plan something to do then". I'm so tired of it. My day was going so good yesterday and then bam... no more. I couldn't sleep at all because of it and because of the rudeness of my wing mates, so I wrote Jodi a note about b/c I knew she wouldn't listen to me. I told her how much it hurt and asked her what it was I did that made me so boring or that made me not fun to be around anymore or something.
Then I talk to Lynae about it because she's come to me about this stuff before, but when it's me the tables turn. I'm anti-social and I'm stupid for wanting good grades. Maybe I am, maybe I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve friends. Who knows? I made a choice, I suffer the consequences. I guess that's how it's going to be from here on out. All I know is I have nothing to do this weekend and if I don't find anything to do with people I'm going to be completely devastated because I am trying. I am trying SO hard.
Anyways to her apology . . . So first of all, she types me messages on MSN. . . that didn't win points with me. And then halfway through her apology she says something else totally random. . . again, not happy. Her apology sucked and really didn't make me feel better at all. I know I need to forgive her and Jesus forgives us, but this time it's really hard. Every time I forgive, I just get hurt again. This Christianity thing is harder than I expected. Praying last night hasn't given me the answers I need yet, so maybe I'll just keep my cool for today.
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