i have been shunning people all day. Im a bit sad, a touch annoyed, overly bored by random conversations, even with friends. I have definitely been depressed because my endorphin productivity is low...I miss basketball, i miss the way certain women make me feel...Im concerned about my road ahead out of this state of mediocrity. Stability is the knife in my back I can't pull out. I think I can pull it out, im so close, but its in a certain spot I cant reach on my own..Im afraid to need help. Will it ever happen? Will it be my website, or something else? Something....I'm unhappy, unfulfilled. Maybe its a simple physioligical state my body is in. I bet it is. Nothing is really ever that complicated. Everything in the brain and body is controlled by pure mechanism and balance..A slight change of lifestyle has thrown my body's behavioral patterns out of habit, causing me to suffer.
I had a vivid dream that i was in the 12th grade, and had an elective class (i cant put my finger on what it was, although i knew in the dream). This kid in class, i think he was in 10th grade only knew how to handle anything in his way by fighting. He was stocky built, kind of like a wrestler, brown light hair, about 5'11" 195 lbs, looked a tiny bit like "Chute" in "vision quest". (I was actually thinking about that movie last night, maybe that's why). The teacher gave up on the class and left..I think the kid was the instigator of that situation. I approached the kid, and told him to just relax, that he didnt need to be so physically agressive about everything. He didn't need to fight. When I told him that, he took it is as a sign of my fear, kind of like a doberman that really focuses in on your eyes... On the brink of barking or attacking if he senses the slightest bit of fear. This kid did not have it in him to respect my words...Control, conquer and demise were the only things he'd understood. I did not blame him. The only other thing I remember was that after school i climbed over this fence into a deep field. I saw the kid from a distance, he had a shot gun rifle...I remember being very afraid to die because I knew he wasn't afraid to shoot it, that he he did not possess feelings of remorse or regret (this is what scared me). He cocked the shotgun and shot. I woke up....in a cold sweat
(By talking to him, he thought i undermined him. But I remember thinking i didn't. I vividly remember feeling just a few years more life-experienced and wanted to make him see outside of his box )
old stories id written and posted while i was in 10th grade...I cannot believe i found them on a google search after all these years-
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