Diphylla (storen) wrote, @ 2005-07-25 00:13:00

What does it mean?
What does it mean, when you have dreams . . . visions--no, fantasies of stabbing yourself? I mean not to pick up a knife, to stab your leg. . . I mean, what is it when you see your body lying in bed, but you are not in bed, but you are you . . . you are lunging at your sleeping self, stabbing. Carving up the body that sleeps. . ? Hearing the force of the knife as it punctures, only to pull towards yourself, to watch your body be cut open by your own hands, but not your own body?

Is there something wrong with me?

Is that a sign of self hatred? Or insanity?

Is it what I have finally reached after years of thinking I am not who I should be? After the endless nights of insomnia, and the endless days of dreaming of being who I am not?

Have I led myself wanting to destroy this shell? Or do I want to not only do that, but kill my entire being?

Am I suicidal because of this?

Why is it that when I have dreams, that I am rarely myself? Why is it that when I feel horny, that I don't feel like I think a woman should, but how a man would? Why is it that I feel as if I should have a fucking penis? A flat chest, no hips, broad shoulders, and a penis. Is this why I see myself, over and over, stabbing, ripping . . . goring my body? Or is it because I'm not perfect? I'm not thin . . . maybe I hate my fat. Maybe I am merely carving off the fat . . . but in such a horrible way? Why would my face be so contorted into that look of pure hatred . . ?

Should I see a doctor? Go talk to a shrink, have her tell me nothing is wrong, that it's all in my head due to a depression? But then I would have to ask, "What is this depression due to?" And she would reply merely, "A chemical imbalance. We have a medicine for that."

Is it a chemical imbalance? Or maybe I'm just tired. . . I just want to stop seeing that look of hate. I want to stop feeling that knife. . .


I don't understand. It's like . . . every thing I've thought about myself has just broken. Fallen apart. A million pieces. With that first thud. Is this what it's like to really loathe yourself? Will this drive me to be one of those idiots? One of those . . . those cutters? Or will I just keep ripping skin off like I do now?

Should I see a doctor?

Should I be on medication to keep me feeling happy?


What does it mean, to see you stab yourself?

(Anonymous) 2005-07-25 10:56 (link)

Sam- I sat here for about 45 minutes, just staring at this topic. Not necessairly what you wrote, but what I was going to write. Nothing i put down seemed to make sense to what I was trying to say, so I'll try again- so please forgive me if i don't make sense. Well, to be blunt- I love you. Not because you're female, not because you're absolutlely beautiful, although you are, but because of who you are. I have problems saying that, major problems, and hell, I'm shaking right now. But I want you to know. Whatever is going wrong or not, whatever happens, I still love you. I wanted to try and tell you this in person, but I haven't been able to call you or see you for a long time. You don't have to say anything, you don't have to acknowledge I've said this, but I just wanted you to know. And that I'll wait, for anything, as long as it takes. If there's something you don't like, tell me, and I won't do it, absolutley period. If there's a problem your having, you can tell me, I will never not care or try to help, no matter how big or small. This still sounds weak to me, but I don't know what to say. When I'm with you, when I make you laugh, when I see you smile, I'm done. Nothing more in my life even matters, if I never become a director, if I never make money, if I never make it out of here, I'll be able to say I've done something that mattered, something completly fulfilling with my life. That's why I look at you the way I do, because I love you. So if there's anything you need, ever, the phone is right there. I'll drop anything I'm doing, at any time and talk to you as long as you want about anything, and trust me, nothing will be ridiculous or absurd. Midnight or Midday, I'll be here. I have to go to work now- Take care of yourself. Love, -Rob- (Reply to this) (Thread)