What does it mean, when you have dreams . . . visions--no, fantasies of stabbing yourself? I mean not to pick up a knife, to stab your leg. . . I mean, what is it when you see your body lying in bed, but you are not in bed, but you are you . . . you are lunging at your sleeping self, stabbing. Carving up the body that sleeps. . ? Hearing the force of the knife as it punctures, only to pull towards yourself, to watch your body be cut open by your own hands, but not your own body?
Is there something wrong with me?
Is that a sign of self hatred? Or insanity?
Is it what I have finally reached after years of thinking I am not who I should be? After the endless nights of insomnia, and the endless days of dreaming of being who I am not?
Have I led myself wanting to destroy this shell? Or do I want to not only do that, but kill my entire being?
Am I suicidal because of this?
Why is it that when I have dreams, that I am rarely myself? Why is it that when I feel horny, that I don't feel like I think a woman should, but how a man would? Why is it that I feel as if I should have a fucking penis? A flat chest, no hips, broad shoulders, and a penis. Is this why I see myself, over and over, stabbing, ripping . . . goring my body? Or is it because I'm not perfect? I'm not thin . . . maybe I hate my fat. Maybe I am merely carving off the fat . . . but in such a horrible way? Why would my face be so contorted into that look of pure hatred . . ?
Should I see a doctor? Go talk to a shrink, have her tell me nothing is wrong, that it's all in my head due to a depression? But then I would have to ask, "What is this depression due to?" And she would reply merely, "A chemical imbalance. We have a medicine for that."
Is it a chemical imbalance? Or maybe I'm just tired. . . I just want to stop seeing that look of hate. I want to stop feeling that knife. . .
I don't understand. It's like . . . every thing I've thought about myself has just broken. Fallen apart. A million pieces. With that first thud. Is this what it's like to really loathe yourself? Will this drive me to be one of those idiots? One of those . . . those cutters? Or will I just keep ripping skin off like I do now?
Should I see a doctor?
Should I be on medication to keep me feeling happy?
What does it mean, to see you stab yourself?
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