I've done nothing but think. I want to get away, I really do. This week will be hell. It has been, but it's flown by- which is good... This Friday is homecoming dance, and I don't really know how I feel about that. I've never been into that sort of thing. And I have a date, but he's not sure if he can go, he needs a ride and stuff. Plus his grades, and I'm not even sure I want him there. There's no one that I want to go with though, it's just.. I don't want to go with him. It's mean, I know..
I wrote an email to an old friend.. It was so lame, talking about what I miss. I wish I never wrote it, but they wrote back. Something about "Thinking how good it would be to call you my best friend again" is a quote from it. I don't know how I feel about that, i really don't. I wrote them a letter, 7 pages.. but I don't know if I will send it, maybe I'll at least re-write it. I want everything to be the way they were when that .::old friend::. was here. I miss those times..
Friendships are breaking and friendships are forming. Missy and I will always be friends, this I know. It's just, I want to help her, she seems so sad, but she won't tell me what's wrong. And everytime I am around her, I just feel like I'm in her way. Same with Michael, and all I want to do is just.. not talk to them sometimes. I really don't and can't say the write things, and they might read this and I don't want this turned into something that it definetly is not. And it is not a big deal. I just feel a little left out by them and it's sort of an ongoing problems. It doesn't help that we don't have classes together, but Missy can never skip class with me, and I haven't asked Michael but I'm sure she isn't and wouldn't either. Then we have Christa. I've known Christa since 6th grade and I haven't even taken the time to get to know her til now, and I'm so glad that I am taking the time to do so. She is really a very complex person, which I never would've guessed.. We're a lot alike and hopefully through our common issues we can help each other. I'd like to become better. Because.. lately I haven't been okay, or even halfway alright..
Best friends means friends forever, which means when my friend has problems I have to help. I thought I could. I want my friend to tell me things, I just don't want her to do the things that she tells me. This is awfully complicated, I know. She tells me that I am the reason she's alive now, and that I'm the only one she doesn't lie to. And these things make me feel so important. It's just the fact that I couldn't stand to lose her, and I feel that if she doesn't stop the things that she is doing, I will lose her. This scares me more than anything else every could.
Things to think about..
I cannot lose a best friend again
I need to make the best out of homecoming
I need to find the courage to send that letter
I want to help Christa and I want her to help me
I need to talk to Missy and Michael, and tell the how I feel
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