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Something to look foward to (staremo) wrote,
@ 2003-11-04 10:24:00
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    I've done nothing but think. I want to get away, I really do. This week will be hell. It has been, but it's flown by- which is good... This Friday is homecoming dance, and I don't really know how I feel about that. I've never been into that sort of thing. And I have a date, but he's not sure if he can go, he needs a ride and stuff. Plus his grades, and I'm not even sure I want him there. There's no one that I want to go with though, it's just.. I don't want to go with him. It's mean, I know..
    I wrote an email to an old friend.. It was so lame, talking about what I miss. I wish I never wrote it, but they wrote back. Something about "Thinking how good it would be to call you my best friend again" is a quote from it. I don't know how I feel about that, i really don't. I wrote them a letter, 7 pages.. but I don't know if I will send it, maybe I'll at least re-write it. I want everything to be the way they were when that .::old friend::. was here. I miss those times..
    Friendships are breaking and friendships are forming. Missy and I will always be friends, this I know. It's just, I want to help her, she seems so sad, but she won't tell me what's wrong. And everytime I am around her, I just feel like I'm in her way. Same with Michael, and all I want to do is just.. not talk to them sometimes. I really don't and can't say the write things, and they might read this and I don't want this turned into something that it definetly is not. And it is not a big deal. I just feel a little left out by them and it's sort of an ongoing problems. It doesn't help that we don't have classes together, but Missy can never skip class with me, and I haven't asked Michael but I'm sure she isn't and wouldn't either. Then we have Christa. I've known Christa since 6th grade and I haven't even taken the time to get to know her til now, and I'm so glad that I am taking the time to do so. She is really a very complex person, which I never would've guessed.. We're a lot alike and hopefully through our common issues we can help each other. I'd like to become better. Because.. lately I haven't been okay, or even halfway alright..
    Best friends means friends forever, which means when my friend has problems I have to help. I thought I could. I want my friend to tell me things, I just don't want her to do the things that she tells me. This is awfully complicated, I know. She tells me that I am the reason she's alive now, and that I'm the only one she doesn't lie to. And these things make me feel so important. It's just the fact that I couldn't stand to lose her, and I feel that if she doesn't stop the things that she is doing, I will lose her. This scares me more than anything else every could.

    Things to think about..
    I cannot lose a best friend again
    I need to make the best out of homecoming
    I need to find the courage to send that letter
    I want to help Christa and I want her to help me
    I need to talk to Missy and Michael, and tell the how I feel

    I need a break

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Words to think about and cry over, but I've done neither.
2003-11-07 14:54 (link)
"All good things have endings. And maybe when I'm through with endings this can begin. And when the door is closed and the lights are low. That's when you'll know, you're all alone."
(My words of wisdom)


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Re: Words to think about and cry over, but I've done neither.
2003-11-07 19:23 (link)
That's the kind of wisdom I've been missing...

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