| Current mood: | exhausted |
| Current music: | great american sharpshooter- less than jake |
history of a boring town
iPART I
im feel so emo today.... listening to brand new. i have so much to be happy about, but i can't be happy. i have a great job, a great band, great friends, great love. this is all i wanted yet im not happy. reminds me of the quote by big wig "id rather be happy and poor then have it all and still want more." i don't know what's wrong with me. i can't seem to be happy. i just want to be happy so bad. i don't know i don't know. i feel like im wasting myself, but i'm doing so much. i feel like i have to be happy, enjoy myself but i can't i can't....... i pretend and people think i am but i can't. im glad none of my friends know about this journal. i can say what i want. "your just jealous because we're young and in love" i'm shaking while typing this because i don't think i can act anymore. i haven't been eating all day and then binging at night. i have a feeling this summer i am going to win it all or lose it all. hopefully the first over the latter. it is going to fly like this whole year has. i can't get a grasp on it all. how i've changed in one year. grasp it. i need to grasp it and maybe i can be happy. maybe.... senior year is next year. hopefully i get into the headstart program at MSU but if i can't then i'll have to deal with highschool. maybe im making myself grow up. act 21 like my boyfriend is... i love him though. i need to find out what's wrong. things aren't probably as good as they seem to me. like a photograph left in the sun its faded to look nice. a fuzzy glance into a life. "and we'll never have to listen to anyone about anything." i wonder what would make me happy... all the things i have,but held up differently. i guess. i have so little time, but so much gets done, i have so much time and so little gets done. either way i can't run into whats been bothering me. i want a best friend, not that i don't have one, but i want one that i can tell anything to, i can do anything with. i want a person to need me. need me like a newborn baby needs warmth. i need to be needed. i probably am now, but one never knows. i want more time, just a couple more months of 16, i can do all the things i needed to do this year. "just jealous because we're young and in love" in love, love's changed me good and bad. evil and innocent. do and say things like a car crash in slow motion. like a trip to Asbury Park fast forwarded. i want to make everyone happy, i wanna make EVERYONE happy. i want to be able to tell stories like i was a lil kid again. i want to not have to drink to have a story. i want the adventure to come back to me. adventures like a car crash in slow motion , like a trip to Asbury Park fastforwarded. i want to beable to eat ice cream and not have it come back up. i want to not have to worry about that. worry, worry why worry everyone tells me this is going to kill me... if i'm going to die why can't i atleast enjoy it? why worry, spend my time worring. there's so much to do.
Part II
f i'm going to die why can't i at least enjoy it? why worry, spend my time worring. there's so much to do. so much more to do. then worry. so much i want, but i don't want worry. i want to wake up in ed's arms with the sun rising over the rocks at asbury park. i want to hang out with tom and laugh and laugh and laugh. i want to make my dad wake up.... i wish i could say wake up, dad, wake up over and over. and that would get me over his death. i want to go back to then and tell myself to cry. that way she's not messed up like me. i could never let my friends find this. i want my mom to find someone to love. i want everyone to be happy. i want EVERYONE to be happy. the american dream to be happy. i think and think and think and think and where does it get me worring about my life.... my life.... "we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get" like a car crash in slow motion, like a trip to asbury park sped up. i want to take back the year, i want the past to be here. i want so much. i want EVERYONE to be happy. i want to be in New York City going to the wax muesum. Seeing the wax statues. loving regis and then getting fries without worry. watching the pigeons in the park. dawn chasing me. smelling the old books, phalafel. sleeping on the bus home, ruts hut. having the best day of my life. my life before i was told no one would ever want me. want me. me want. that's where i would go to the wax museum before the best day of my life. its no sense going after. New York City, passed out on the bus home after the Less Than Jake show, a week or so before I had to go to the looney bin. roseland decorated with checks. red cons and 10 years of fun. pietasters and sugarcult. skankin, then sleepin, no longer innocent, but not totally cold yet. i still had a little bit of summer in me. i don't think i can hold summer in my heart again. try one last time. only the innocent hold summer, i'm not i'm too cool to hold summer. too cold to hold summer. i want to have one last sunbeam in my heart one last shed of the past. one more day of camp. one more wednesday field trip. i can't anymore i have shows, a job. coolness, but no summer. my memories. like a car crash sped up, like a trip to asbury park fast forwarded. i hate summer. i hate things i can't have that i used to. i hate things that don't need me anymore. toss me aside like a used match. burnt out and cool. too cool to hold summer with me.
passed out passed down.... like a car crash in slow motion like a trip to asbury park fast forwarded. watching flames burst from both into the sky. wacthing it burn on the top of garret mountain. all that heat but im still too cool, too cool for summer. "and we'll never miss a party because we keep them going constantly" i want it i want to be warm. i don't want to be cool anymore. biggest mistake wanting to be cool. i can't see the summer anymore. hang out at grandmas street pretend we're somewhere else. somewhere else pretending we're hanging out at grandma's street. im too cool for grandma's street. can't go back but won't go forward. i know i can't live in the past. but i can't survive now. " walk around the town like we own the streets" in limbo waiting,worrying, wanting. i want everyone to be happy. i want EVERYONE to be happy. i sure am emo today.... or maybe i just can't act today
----random quote-----
passed out, on the over pass
sunday best and broken glass
broken down from the bikes and bars
suspened like spirits over speeding cars
you and me were kings over the parkway tonight
and tonight will go on forever while we,
walk around the town like we own the streets
stay awake through summer like we own the heat
singing, everybody wake up its time to get down
and when i pass the bottle back to pete,
on the overpass tonite,
i bet we laugh.
i'm gonna stay 18 forever
so we can stay like this forever
and we'll never miss a party
cause we keep them going constantly
and we'll never have to listen
to anyone about anything
cause its all been done
and it's all been said
were the coolest kids
and we take what we can get,
-brand new
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