I think lately I've been getting really sad inside.
It is the self centered nature of human beings. The society we live in is all about getting everything for yourself and screwing everybody else in the way. I see it most walking around the city. People getting cut off, people running red lights, cutting in line, stealing, all these little things I think most people just take for granted. But it's alive and well in the suburbs too.
It's complete focus on money and greed that does it. It's all around us these days, and I just can't ignore it. It damages my spirit inside.
What gets me sad is how much I try to get everyone the benefit of the doubt, how much I try to be positive and project kindness, and sometimes it's hard to accept the fact it usually just gets thrown back. A lot of the time I want to just spit it back and be cynical and cruel. But that's too easy, and I don't believe in taking easy ways out, especially when I know they're the wrong way.
Throughout my entire life, I've always just sort of been "behind the scenes". I forget where I read it, I think it was in 'Dreamcatcher', where kids walking home from school were described as "The world's wallpaper". That's me to a T. I was never popular, I was never unpopular. I was just filler, which in a way hurts the most. I still believe that to be true. I'm just an average person (seemingly), and people don't notice or pay attention to me. I'm just there.
That's not what gets me down so much, I'm way beyond used to it. I almost enjoy the private life I get to live. It's not cluttered with all sorts of people pretending to be my friend, just filled with a handful great friends.
I think this path sort of led me to the eccentric things I enjoy. I always befriended the people who nobody else would. I enjoy these people so much because they're more real than everyone else. I like music that's real, and people who keep it real. No, not rappers who still claim to be "ghetto" :) . I like artwork that's different. Maybe even a little violent or just strange. It's where I fit in in life, with the things that are cast aside.
It's amazing how much you absorb just by observing. I notice the things no one else does. I think about the things no one else does. I should've been a detective!! :) But seriously, because of all these, I notice the smaller details in life, and have trouble focusing on big pictures.
I actually feel better now. Sometimes I need to go on little "thought journies" like this, because it sorts out what's going on upstairs. Bare with me, because they're frequent. Usually I go down to the water and write this stuff in a notebook, but the three days of rain hasn't helped that.
Thanks for listening.
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