sortacurious (sortacurious) wrote, @ 2006-09-04 17:42:00

Current mood:

You name it!

Left field, or is it?
Life is odd, one minute you are groovin' along just humming your own little tune and before you know it the whole song changes. It can really screw with your step.

Take hurricanes for example; you just about forget how the last one screwed up every dream you've had since you were old enough to fantasize about that perfect wedding day, and all of a sudden here the season is upon you again. Now, Ernesto was gentle, in fact barely considered a storm in our neck of the woods, but the seasons not over and I keep thinking, "it's coming, it's coming, are we ready? What will be the catastrophe in my life that seems to coincide with these damn storms this time?" See, there was Frances blowing over and it seemed no sooner did I take a deep breath from that when Billy drove into a power pole. Then there was Jeanne rocking the house while my brother lay in a coma and once she was gone, well, soon after so was he. And last, but certainly not least the powerhouse that blew my wedding right out of town the following season. So, here we are again. Damn if I'm not jumpy, edgy, and anxious.

Another fine example; love – ah, sweet love. One may think they have it all figured out. One may also convince oneself that they are more than ready for true love to come and sweep them off their feet. One might even preach from the rooftops of facing and embracing it for all that it's worth, romanticizing the heck out of love. Then it happens, love that is...real love. Wham, like a brick wall...literally. Your head spins, your heart palpitates, breathlessness, can’t eat, fluttery feelings in the tummy, vision is highly affected, heck even the hearing doesn’t work quite right. Ironically, a nice little head-concussion (when you bump it real good and hard against that brickwork) can bring on just about all these feelings too. So can an argument or hurt feelings.

OK, enough rambling. I’ve been dodging some inner turmoil lately. Yep, that’s me, avoid difficult stuff at all costs until it can’t be avoided any more. So, this caused me to ask myself just why I am avoiding this particular set of problems. The answers were easy enough to recognize, but no easier to resolve for myself. As is often the conclusion drawn when I ask myself these dumb questions, I avoid things when they might hurt/harm/negatively affect someone else. This is especially true when that someone already has enough to deal with - without my added difficulties. So, I just swallow it up inside. Sure, we all know that’s the worst way to handle any situation. It’s like a worm in deep in your gut, churning, feeding, and growing…eventually it needs to be extracted. In the meantime, by choice I allow it to do its thing inside me. If I don’t seek help to eradicate it, I will end up spewing it forth in a vile, ugly manner for all to see. Not something I care to have anyone witness.

Fun decisions to make there, eh?

So, what do I have to be so bothered about? Doesn’t seem like much, I mean I have a great husband, a home I love, my sweet and silly doggies, my health, good income, a job, list goes on.

If I take on bitching about anything in my life it seems so trivial in comparison to the worries and woes of so many other people out there. I feel petty for even feeling what I feel quite often. But then again, I can’t shake these feelings, and they won’t be dismissed that easily.

I don’t know, maybe my mom is right. Maybe this is depression. I’ve heard it more than once, and considered it many times myself. But I’ve been in deep, dark depression before and this doesn’t quite fit that bill. Some appropriate adjectives would be: rage, anger, hurt, sorrow, exhaustion, anxiety, stress…just to name a few.

And to top it off, I get the joy in knowing that if I feel these things in my current life then I am no different than the last wife. Nothing he does will feel like it is good enough, I will always be unhappy, always asking for more from him, always seeking unhappiness. That is a stifling sensation, to be sure. In fact, it stops me dead in my tracks sometimes. Then I just feel this overwhelming urge to scream and see what it would sound like to break even thing in sight. Right about now, that seems like a temptation I need to be careful of.

So, there I am, in conflict.

depression shiloh_hill 2006-09-05 03:30 (link)

sounds like your mom might be right. depression has a lot of faces. anger, rage, all those things.....are affects of depression. I say this as I am wellllllllll familiar with it. Being bipolar, manic/depression is a way of life managed with medication. There are lots of reactions regarding depression. Anyway.........that's my input. Sounds like you are more hard on yourself than anyone else could ever be. Take care. Hope you feel better soon. OH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>stop comparing yourself to the exwife. Not healthy to you, and not fair to hubby. Unless HES doing the comparing....then not fair to you. Know what I mean? Might see doc about depression. It sure can help put a brighter color to the world. (Reply to this) (Thread)