Create Journals
Update Journals

Journals
Find Users
Random

Read
Search
Create New

Communities
Latest News
How to Use

Support
Privacy
T.O.S.

Legal
Username:
Password:

manmaking101 (softleads) wrote,
@ 2005-01-23 01:28:00
Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Add to Topic Directory  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry

    bittersweet
    Very early Sunday morning
    Bye, Blurty.

    I know I’ve been trying way too hard. It’s not that I don’t believe what I’ve written or value the way I’ve written it; it’s just that I keep taking the longest ways around the subjects and travelling miles out of my way to get to destinations just down the block. Like right here and righr now. Yeah, I could justify all of it as practice and "voicefinding" and a lot of other stuff that would make it all seem perfectly consistent with my vocation and profession as a writer; I am, after all, making words appear where there was nothing before. But, now, I know I’m just folling myself, and I can’t persist in fucking around when I’ve pierced through the illusion. That’s just too weird—even for me.

    All the Blurty stuff seems way too reminiscent of a self I left behind when I gave-up professoring; it’s just indulgence of old habits and pandering to old ego needs. It’s not that I should know better; it’s that I absolutely do know better. Continuing with this stuff just keeps me trapped in old routines and stuck in old illusions. I knew by my third year of graduate school that I wasn’t right for the academic world—"neither for that place nor for that hour"; I loved teaching with all my heart—what greater proof does anyone need for the fact that I wasn;t right for the university? I was a terrible scholar. I grew weary of the hundreds of pages of carefully reasoned and well-documented lies and distortions. One of my classmates came out and said it as he submitted his dissertation: "Another five hundred pages of intelligent lies." Admired the honesty, and hated the profession that demanded the lies as the price of admission. I’m still grumpy about it. I probably always will be. But I at least must try letting it go.

    Good-bye, Blurty. I cannot really explain exactly why, but I know that you and I just don’t fit one another any more. We both know there’s a really good chance that we never did. Because of the bi-polar, there’s something in me that consistently craves the complicated, dramatic, and intense—probably pumps the endorphins I need to keep my system relatively "normal"…you know, the same sorta equilibrium that everybody else enjoys just by continuing heartbeat and respiration. But my gut knows that it’s all really simple. I’m a writer; that’s all. All the time I spend on Blurty actually distracts and detracts from my "real" writing. We all know I’m not gonna put my best stuff on here, and there’s really no good reason to go public with anything but my best stuff; the rest should be private—really and truly private, not fake-private like here where it just kinda languishes because no fifteen-year-old really gives a good goddam about a "mature" man’s struggle against geezerhood and curmudgeonry. Yeah, I had kinda hoped some sympathetic friend would fall out of the ether and into my world. Didn’t really quite happen. Close. Very close. But not really what I needed.

    I still have faith that a sympathetic, empathetic friend and reality-tester is "out there" somewhere. I think I’m gonna try looking around in the "real" world. Thank you, everybody who has read this stuff; Suzy, I’m still in your debt for your encouragement, and I’m still very happy for the love that flourishes in your life. I’m not really gone. But I am somewhere else. I hope, someday soon, you’ll find me in the bookstores.


(Post a new comment)


shakingthetree
2005-01-23 08:43 (link)
Very sad to hear this - but I do understand the reasoning behind it, I guess. It's a shame, because there's such a dearth of intelligent journalling here. In my continual search for intelligence in this world, it was a comfort and an encouragement to stumble across your journal.

Anyway - glad you slipped into our lives, if only for a brief instant.

Take care of yourself, Bruce.
-Suz

(Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: didn't quit; diversified
softleads
2005-01-27 16:21 (link)
Hi, Suz,

It took me about one day to acknowledge how much I missed you and how much I needed to keep bloggiong--just as some kind of balance and proportion in an otherwise steady diet of fiction-writing. Anyone who can tell me, "consider yourself gently prodded" qualifies as a major ally and just plain good friend.

Still, I stood-by everything i wrote about my dissatisfaction with the old Blurty. Soetimes, a guy's just gotta be smart enough to pack-up his tools and move tyo a new site. So, that's what I did--actually two new sites, both of which will interest you, i think.

On Blurty, I created a site for my work with the fourth and fifth graders; it's called "bookbuilders," and I encourage you to jump into the discussion--actually, just go ahead an cannonball right into the pool, because I think you can add a lot to the mix. Then, for the me-site, I moved to ModBlog. Although I'm not thrilled that a writer has only to reach age thirteen to qualify for their site, I needed a new location, and I kinda like the format I found. There, you can find me at "qwertywerks.modblog,com" and I hope the content will make it worth the exploration. You also can e-mail me directly at "qwertywerks@yahoo.com" I hope you will.

Okay, I admit it: I need regular doses of Suz and her world or i just feel a little empty. Please, stay in touch.

affectionately,
bruce

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: didn't quit; diversified
shakingthetree
2005-01-27 19:08 (link)
Well, I'm glad you didn't give up on the blogging. It's cathartic; it's healthy. And you know, sometimes, you've just gotta write for you... be a little greedy and indulge your exhibitionist side... write about the "way ups" and the "low downs," and all the deep stuff in your gut next to the mundanities of the day. I'm sure that you've gotten the advice that a lot of writers have gotten from teachers, etc.: "write what you know." What better for that then a blog, right?

Tried to find your "bookbuilders" site - where is it? Can you give me the site address? Blurty can be really difficult to navigate, which I suppose is another good reason for your migration! At any rate, it'll be refreshing to get in on some good discussion, and I look forward to it.

Anyway, yes - I will bookmark your blog and peek in on the Life of Bruce! It's an honor, and also an honor to know you're so keen on my own writing.

Glad you're not gone for good.
-Suz

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


erbana
2005-05-30 23:07 (link)
ha-low and good bye...

(all at once.)

(Reply to this) (Thread)


(Post a new comment)

© 2002-2008. Blurty Journal. All rights reserved.