I close my eyes and I can see you dead. (slowmotionheart) wrote, @ 2003-09-29 08:50:00

Current mood:

melancholy

I know I bitch a lot but whatever, it's my journal.
So. I have been thinking a lot. And I am really scared of how things are going to change. I mean I look bad 2 years ago, and I don't even recognize myself. I am so scared I am going to change again, and that everything and everyone is going to change.

I don't want to graduate. I have been thinking about that. High school is my little safety net. I feel safe. College is going to be a whole different new big thing, and I don't want that. Just the thought of college makes me so scared. 2 years, I won't have James, I won't have my friends. I will be all alone. I will have to start over from scratch to make my way through college only to restart once I graduate from college. I hate that. Constant building things just to break. You make friends to lose them, fall in love to break or a heart or get yours broken. It is constant. I just wish something would stay the same.

I've been stressing about James a lot for some reason though. The future scares the fucking shit out of me, and all I can think about is losing him. It is bound to happen. I just don't know when yet or how. But I know it will end with me being a wreck again, which makes me think why am I even bothering when I will just be left in the same state (if not worse) I was in 4 months ago when we broke up last time.

Three days ago my aunt went to the doctor. She kept having chest pains. They took an x-ray, and we found out she has a tumor. It is in a place in her heart where they can operate, but its still dangerous. Everyone says it is hopeful because ussually you find a tumor after someone has a stroke or a heart attack, but they found it sooner. I am thankful for that. I love my family so much. If something happened like that I would die. My mom would be devestated I know. I am just going to pray for the best.

I'm really sorry I have been so psycho lately. Just everything seems so big now. I have been so on edge this whole week. And I apologize to you guys. I just feel really lost right now.

aw caitie twistedfreak825 2003-09-30 14:59 (link)

im sorry uve been feeling so down! i agree with the whole building things up to get broken thing, and i think everyone is scared of the furture. but as for the james thing...i know im afraid of when me and dan brake up and i know it will eventually happen just because of college and all that shit and me n him were talking about my brother and his girlfriend and how they go to seperate colleges and hes like how do they do that? and yeah so that wasnt to reassuring...and i would just be like oh well u learn from each experience and what doesnt kill u makes u a stronger person, but lately i dont know how that would fit. anyway im sorry uve been so down and i hope things get better for u...one thing though, if u think about it u really shouldnt worry about the future and take one day at a time cause u cant really control whats going to happen and u cant stop the inevitable so i guess just take each experience and learn from it? i have no idea if that makes sense or not...ill talk to u later caitie *manda* (Reply to this) (Thread)