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not so dead and broken... [BANG] you've killed me. (singletear) wrote,
@ 2005-02-22 20:15:00
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    Current mood: crushed

    so the normal this morning, go to work. come home. check my emails. watch a movie. then my mom calls, so i tell her that i can take her mail to the post office and go to her bank for her. i ended up falling asleep and can only make it to the post office for her. so i go to her house and she ends up telling me that she is now on unemployment and that she is getting sick again. random nose bleedings. feeling weak. she looks like she's dead. i hate seeing her like this. and she won't tell me what i wrong other than she is just getting sick. but she has stopped work completely and it seems like its the same shit like the last time she went through cancer. i really don't know whats wrong but of course i'm thinking the worse. so i'm guessing that she is getting really sick again, another kind of cancer or the same one as last time that they thought they beat. i don't know how well i'm gonna be able to deal with this one. the last one was hard enough. i know her lungs have gotten worse but i know thats not the only thing. it might be breast cancer too. and possible more of her organs shutting down.
    what if this time they don't beat it?
    what if this is the end?
    she's never stopped work because of it before. i don't know what i can do for her. so i'm looking for jobs right now. i'm guessing i'm going to take another day job and then have to take another night job too. so tomorrow i'm going to put in my application for a gas station, circleK is hiring. and there are a few more around me. TGIFriday's is still looking for servers, i HATE waitressing but i need the money so bad right now. i now have to take over both car payments and insurance payments. which sucks. i have no extra spending money. no food money. and if things get really bad, i'll be taking over all her bills so she can go to the doctors every week.
    i don't know what i'll do if she's gone. i'm scared that she's dying and is just not telling me or anyone for that matter. i hate this.

    when things even start to look better a black cloud rolls over and pushes away all happiness i had.

    her moods have changed so much. she's crying all the time. and i really can't do anything for her. i can't do anything at all, but make her bills go away. i wish there was more i could do. but i can't. i'm helpless here. i'm alone here. i'm tired. i'm stressed. i can't stop crying now. everything has built up so much and now crumbling down upon me.
    i shouldn't have quit marc's but i know i needed to. and now even that small amount of cash would have helped. hopefully jobs will be open for be to take. this sucks.

    what happened to the carefree days of youth when all you worried about was whether or not you got stay out late? what happened to your parents being the strongest people alive, invincable almost? what happened to long nights of sleep? what happened to actually being able to take a day of nothing but rest? what happened to a day off? where the hell did life go so wrong? when did it all start to fall down? when did i spin this far out of control? how did it all get this complicated?

    i remember the first time i saw my mom really sick... i was 12 and her lung had collapsed and she could even take a breath on her own. that was the first slap of reality for me. i sat there completely helpless watching my mom dying.
    then of course a few weeks later my dad ended up in the hospital.... his first heart attack. yea i got blamed for that one. that was so horrible. i watched him just lay in the hospital bed hooked up to what seemed like a million machines helping him live.
    that really made me think of how fragile life really is. and how short. both my parents almost dead within weeks of each other. what the hell would i be like today if they really did dead then? and now everytime they get sick it makes me think of what i would do if they were gone. i hate the thought of my dad not being able to give me away at my wedding. i hate the thought of them not being there when i have kids. i hate the idea that the only family i will have left is a big brother, my stepmom and my little brothers. it kills me to think like that, but i know that my mom doesn't really have much time left. and my dad's heart is so weak, that the doctors don't know how he survived this third heart attack.
    death just seems to gloom all around my family. we had 2 this year already, death comes in three right? i really don't want it to me my mom. yet she's so sick. i can't get my mind off of it.
    she's never really even been there for me as a mom, but she has been there as a big sister and a friend. i can't imagine life without her. would it change my life that much? kind of messed up to think that it wouldn't change my life that much if she wasn't here. my kids would grow up with out a grandmother. i know that my friends mom's would replace that, but it wouldn't be my mom. she wouldn't get the joy of my kids. and yeah she has one grandkid, but thats not the same. *sigh*
    why the hell am i thinking this far into it? it might be nothing.... (i know thats not true) am i just trying to prepare myself for when it does happen? am i trying to work everything out in my head so maybe it won't be so hard when she goes? what the hell?????
    i wish she would just give me a straight answer when i ask whats wrong. i hate this beating around the bush bullshit.

    i can't deal with this now.


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