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BadAzzRA (shogunofharlem) wrote,
@ 2004-03-22 03:49:00
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    Current music:When the man comes around - Johnny Cash

    Single gay men get cats. Fuck cats. I want a dog
    I think one of my biggest problems is, I dont know how to be "the other"

    I've gotten so used to preferring my own company that I no longer know how to interact with people outside of a "friends" setting. Even that "friends" setting I work to keep muted. Contact between us is something that is usually initiated by that friend.

    At least I can take comfort in knowing that it isnt a problem that comes from my latent homophobia. No, this particular stumbling block has little to do with my inability to come to terms with my cocksucking nature.

    I'm sure Dracula had friends before he started sucking people lifeless. I do the same thing, just in a less...murderous/evil way.

    I had friends, back when I was wrestling with being gay. Though back then I was bi-curious or some other such nonsense people like me throw up in our heads to convince ourselves that we are indeed, at least half-way normal.

    My friends though, often had to drag me out. I was content to spend time at home. Playing video games. Reading. Watching TV. But for their constantly showing up, my high school years in Homesville would have been a lot more dull and well, a lot less feloniously tainted.

    I just never can...inspire myself to put for the the effort to hang out. It's always a 80/20 proposition, where they do 80 percent of the work to get me to come out. Either I had really loving friends or I'm an incredibly exciting person to hang out with, and therefore worth the effort (I prefer the latter)

    But to the crux of the matter. The purpose of this long and rambling (see, even this is long and rambling) discourse. I'm unsure...how to deal with people.

    With the few close friends I've made in my life, I can get to a certain ease around them, and comfort in hanging out. The problem is, I never want to expend the effort to make these friends. It seems like a Herculean effort in my own mind to go and meet so and so for coffee or some other such nonsense.

    But now I'm also realizing, I don't know what to do in a relationship. Once you get the nakedness and the sweating and moaning out of the way, what is really left? At this I'm unsure what the problem is.

    Is it society's fault, for not letting me see what a normal gay relationship is, and thus leaving me floundering about in the dark, unsure of what my next move should be aside from "insert erect member here"?

    I think not. I have friends who are in normal gay relationships. They fight over the bills. They stay in most nights, and make love after watching a movie on TV. They develop love handles, and ear hair, and every possible thing you could think of as they march to the tune of "I'm in a relationship, fuck my appearance."

    I think the problem is me. I'm not so sure I'll ever want a person fully in my life, because at some point as my personality was taking this fork or that road, I arrived at a sign that said "Go this way and you'll walk alone" For better or worse I've taken that path.



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lonelysuperbi
2004-04-01 09:58 (link)
Being alone for awhile....completely....is really insightful and just know this is only a little stage. and yeah society does suck when it comes to gay relationships but there's nothing we can do to change that. Society is as screwed up as our leader in this world. I don't want to feed you false hope for anything but just know that alot og my gay friends....older.....have gone through the same thing....the world's just screwed up.

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pushthestoolin
2004-04-06 13:08 (link)
It's a little painful to read that while you're sleeping over there. Just knowing that you're having such a hard time. Not to sound like a dickweed or anything, but I think that you have to suck it up and deal. Gay men are handed a hard hand to play and way too many fold. You can't find anything in a relationship if you don't put forth an effort to find out. Trial and error ring a bell? I mean, it is YOUR choice whether you want to stay single or not, but also be very careful about who you bring around. Some people could get hurt. I somewhat believe that gay men are also blessed in that they are so self-analyzing and (mostly) open-minded which allows them to do things that a normal straight couple would never want to dream about. I have encountered gay men who don't believe in a monogomous relationship and opt for an open one. I personally can see that point of view, but I don't want to follow that path. I also don't want to be in a wanna-be "straight" relationship either. I only want to do what feels right to me, because as it stands, there AREN'T any "rules" on how a gay couple should behave. That's also an advantage over the breeders. They've had a set of rules on how a relationship should work for centuries. I see it as them having the disadvantage. Maybe I'm not making sense, but I just want you to know that as a gay man, you have so many more options with your personal life than most people, so don't freak about it. Go slowly and do what feels right for you. There are no wrong answers, and it's only a right answer if it works for you.

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james82
2004-04-19 07:55 (link)
you seem to have given up...
but youll be back.
relationships are too fun to give up on.
and besides..
whats wrong with being gay and having a dog?
i had a black lab until she died...
not all gay men get cats.

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gracefulmistake
2004-09-23 13:46 (link)
Okay.. I'm not gay nor do I have any room to give you advice on relationships. Hell, I avoided them like the plague for three years, so who am I to say what's up? I do know, though, that no matter what else goes on, you have to be happy with yourself and do what feels right. If you're not ready to let anyone else in or unsure you've got what it takes right now to have a strong relationship, don't do it. There's nothing wrong with being single, and I'm sure one to know being satisfied with one's own company, lol. But as far as relationships go - gay, straight, whatever - it's all about enjoying each other's company and being happy to just be together. All of the other complications work themselves out once you have that.

I also hate cats. Fuck the stereotypes. Get a dog.

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