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lisa (shh_dont_tell) wrote,
@ 2003-01-09 16:11:00
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    Current mood:crushed
    Current music:nothin' right now.

    ok..the test was fab. the style isn't quite what i want it to be yet, but i'll have brit help me out with that one. *big yawn* well i'm a tired kid... and i feel like shit. we were going to go to the mall today, but then i woke up and i was like "blechakdanavlk2u3." ickkkkk stuff. sorry brit! i want to go another time, because her and i haven't had much time alone- at all- since we've been friends again. dru *always* has to be with us. i know he cares, and he like wants to protect me, but mommy.. wow! i'm a big kid now. hmm.. well let's see. i love him lots.. but he needs to know when to back off. if i am like getting pissed because he's always around, or smothering me, or being a dick in ways he doesn't notice, he needs to respect the way i'm feeling. he needs to give me space if i need it. ughHhhh... and as for marcus. well. ok. sure, i like him. andrew would kill me if he found out. we aren't supposed to keep secrets from each other. i'm sure he suspects it anyway. but i'd rather not get into a huge fight about it. i love andy, but hell. he needs to let me have a little bit of freedom while i'm young enough to enjoy it. i'm 16 for fuck's sake... rrrrr! i want to be with other guys. andy expects me to be loyal to him. ok, sure, i'll love him foreverrrr, and i want to end up with him someday. and yep, i even want to marry him. but as of now i am too goddamn young to be like, attached to the ol' ball and chain already. that's something men always say, but hear me now: i am not ready for the ball and chain! grrrrr.

    we are talking on aim. he asked "are you going to dump me.. or are we just 'taking a break'?" and i was like "well.. if i dumped you for now, what would you do?" and his answer is "i don't even want to talk about it. why would you dump me for awhile?" this hurts so bad, nobody has any idea. my heart is like breaking into 54884013270834 pieces. ugh. but this needs to be done. i want to be with him after high school..or perhaps even in half a year. whenever. but as of now i just need to have some breathing room. i'm not going to go be a slut, or like flirt with every male with an ear. but we're both young, and we shouldn't be serious right now. not as serious as we were 2 months ago. we were stressed to the max, arguing all of the time, and let's face it: we were both making each other depressed. and i think that perhaps we still are. this sucks- i love him to death.. i'll love him forever and ever- but this has to be done for the moment. i want to see him, to hang out with him. but i don't know how that works. if we're technically "not dating" then what? i don't know what to do. i'm scared to be without him, because i love him so much. and we're so close. this is so confusing. now he's pissed at me. well, shit. i showed him this last paragraph and now he's like, upset. oh god, i feel so fucking bad. he's like "i don't care anymore..let's break up." damnit. i love him. i hate hurting him. but he hurts me too. in a different way. he's vicious to me with words. and i want some time apart.. without "dating"..and that breaks his heart. over and over, every time i bring it up. well wow. he said "just shut up" anddddd we're having like the biggest fight since the civil war. hmm..well what a fucking wonderful afternoon. sick to my stomach, fighting with my..boyfriend? fiance? friend? ex boyfriend? i don't even know what to call him anymore. rrrrr... love stinks. i'm like a depressoid.

    but ok.. i will admit it right this second: i dig marc- big time. he's awesome. i know he doesn't feel the same about me- he never will because dru's his friend. and that just isn't fair to me. it hurts. it'll just never fuckin' happen. to be me. big time.

    i hate crying. i hate it soo much. and i hate arguing. i get better, dru gets worse, he brings me down. fuckin' a.. i just want him to respect me, and what i want right now. this is just an immature high school soap opera. and yes, i'll admit, i'm contributing to it. but he keeps dragging it out. i am sick of adolescents and teenagers. i'm so ready to get out of this state. i'm more advanced than any other sophomore i know, besides brittani. and go figure, i hooked up with another guy who has a maturity level much lower than mine. this is so hard to fucking deal with. brit sees how he gets... it's scary as hell. but like, no one will believe that it isn't my fault. except for her. UGH. i am going to go. i'm being a drama queen- you'll be accepting my apology for taking things too seriously. :\

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