Allison (xrainy_dreamsx) wrote in shatteredstars, @ 2003-07-31 15:15:00

Current mood:	confused
Current music:	Linkin Park-Somewhere I Belong

shattered dreams..
hey. i just joined this community. i like the fact that shattered stars is very poetic and fits the purpose for this community very well. i just wanted to say why my life is fucked up and if any of you are interested you're welcome to read my thoughts. my name is allison and im 15 years old. i suffer from depression on and off..but when i do get depressed i usually can't get out of that emotion very easily. the reason for my depression mostly is b/c my parents are getting divorced. i really don't know what to do and both of my parents are being assholes about it. another reason for my depression is the fact that my grandma, whom i loved so very much, died in march and it has been hitting me really hard lately. i usually write poetry and listen to a lot of music to get me out of my moods..and it helps a little. i usually have no one to talk to because basically all of my good friends are away and all my other friends changed. i don't know who i am really. i do not want to be a preppy girl with the same clothes as everyone else or w/e. i've been labled a prep by one of my friends, but that is not who i am. i used to be different and then when things got screwed i started to try and be one of the jocks/preps or w/e. i am definitely not one of them. i want to be an individual..and b/c my friend labels my like that and says she didn't like the person i turned into i realized that i don't want to be that either. needless to say i'm not friends with her anymore. i get so scared sometimes b/c i feel like there is no hope for me. i really don't want to get married b/c of the divorce factor. i don't want to have kids b/c i feel like i wouldn't be a good example and i can't put them through shit like i've gone through. i don't know anymore..maybe someone can relate. i just don't want to be so alone.

emoxeyes 2003-08-01 01:26 (link)

You sound exactly like me. My parents are divorced and have been for almost two years now and because of that Im afraid of marriage and commitment. I have a boyfriend right now and I love him with all my heart but Im still so afraid to hurt him and leave him like my mom did to my dad. People say Im a lot like my mom and that scares me because I dont want to make the mistakes she has. Shes even pregnant with her boyfriend who is my best friends dad (long story) My boyfriend, Davie, is so perfect to me. I couldnt imagine being with anyone else and he doesnt deserve to be hurt. I agree with no wanting kids, like, I want kids when I get older but I dont want them to go throu what I have. I have also had problems with friends. Ive been labeled before but Ive learned to just say "screw labels" Who needs them? Ive never been labeled a prep before but I have been called a goth and a punk bitch but honestly, Im neither. I dont stick to one genre of music like that. Just be you, if someone doesnt like the way you are then fuck them, who needs them. Act the way you want, dress the way you want, listen to the music you want, just be you and never give up on yourself. I suffer from depression on and off as well. Just dont give up. I know how you feel so if you need someone to talk to, Im here. Oh and welcome to the community, Im new too :) -x-Tracy-x- (Reply to this) (Thread)

xrainy_dreamsx 2003-08-01 21:40 (link)

Wow..that sounds a lot like what I'm going through exactly. My parents are not completely divorced yet..they have filed and they are seperated..but in the same house. It kind of sucks a lot because there is still tension between my parents and it seems like they are ruining my life. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to make a commitment because if you think about the fact that half the people that get married get a divorce it doesn't seem too promising. I don't ever want to put my kids through what I'm going through, and I can see from my parents that sometimes love isn't lasting. I think love wares off..but I don't know..it could just be that I'm stuck with this example in my mind for the rest of my life. People say that I'm a lot like my mom too..in fact it's weird that you say that because today someone asked if we were mother and daughter. I wanted to say I really hate you and I don't ever want to be like you..and that is the truth for me. Ahh..your mom is pregnant. Basically my mom goes out with guys she finds on the internet, I don't know, it seems stupid to me. She stayed overnight with one of her online "friends" and that's when my dad decided it was enough. I agree with you completely on the fact that you shouldn't hurt your boyfriend because you really like him. I don't think there is always a factor of divorce..but in my relationships I've been hurt so much before that I don't know. You're right..screw labels..real people don't need to have labels. I think that those idiot people that care so much should just go off and screw themselves. I really appreciate you commenting..and taking time out to relate. Sometimes I just want to give up..but I'm going to try to keep thinking about the future I guess. Don't give up either. No one deserves to go through all this crap..and I'm really sorry you were put through so many depressing things..I know how hard it is. Thank you so much for listening to what I've been through and giving me someone to talk to. I'm always here if you need anyone. Thanks for welcoming me into this community it seems pretty cool. ali-- (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	emoxeyes 2003-08-02 01:09 (link)
	Im always looking for new friends and its nice to meet people going throu the same thing as me. If you have AIM, my screen name is StaticxLullaby13 if you ever need to chat :) Later days -x-Tracy-x- (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	emoxeyes 2003-08-02 21:20 (link)
	I also added you to my friends list if you want to add me back (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

xrainy_dreamsx 2003-08-03 18:42 (link)

I would love to add you back..on my xrainy_dreamsx username there is a 10 people limit..and this stupid stupid rule won't let me add anymore friends, so i'm going to transfer all my entries over to an early adopter account someone gave me..I have to fix the layout on that account and I'll give you the username when I talk to you or I'll leave you a comment on your journal. I should have the journal fixed by tomorrow, but until then I'll definitely comment on your journal. <33 ali- (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	xrainy_dreamsx 2003-08-03 18:33 (link)
	I'm always looking for people going through the same things too. My AIM screen name is x Scarred Rose x. I would love to talk to you..I'm on a lot..I'll I.M. you. ali-- (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)