.:♥:.:Shared♥Solitude:.:♥~♥:. (shared_solitude) wrote, @ 2006-05-01 11:14:00

Current mood:

worried

Too much to internalize?
Ok... last night Salah told me that he wasnt worried about fragile X, that he wanted his baby with me. *butterflies swarm with intent* Now to me. my kids are my kids, gifts from God, wouldnt want them to be anything other then they are. But...

I'm 42.... possible carrier of fragile x..... scared to death. What if I cant give him what he so wants? I mean, its obvious that he isnt going anywhere and has accepted that whatever God gives us we are thankful for. But what if thats nothing, or a child with disabilities, a third child like this for me? Sometimes I feel blessed, other times I feel like I just dont understand why... Why did I have to be 40 before I found my soul mate? What if we cant have kids? What if we can and they are not normal?

One thing I do know and have known from the start. I have a man that loves me in every sense of the word, who is willing to give up his dream, his future so that he can be with me, who had everything taken away from him and left with only the shirt on his back to be with me. Why am I so damn special? What makes him love me like this? It really hurts to think that I may not be able to give him the one thing he longs for most.

ok... ramble ramble no sense made at all. No answers, no solutions. LET GO AND LET GOD.

	darksideslady 2006-05-01 11:31 (link)
	Why do I feel I should be singing "Dont worry be happy" or "Que sera sera" ? Not making light of your problems... just wish I knew how to destress you *puts on Doris Day outfit and begins to croon* (Reply to this) (Thread)

shared_solitude 2006-05-01 15:19 (link)

I dont know either. I should be happy that he loves me this much but at this point all I can think about is letting him down. I'm sorry Janet, this is a drop in the bucket compared to what you have to shoulder. But I have to let it out somewhere and I'm really not an open person. I may appear to be here but IRL I'm closed with my problems. I have no one to talk to that I feel safe with. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

darksideslady 2006-05-01 15:23 (link)

Oh poo on my problems. They are what they are. If something bugs you, it makes no difference if society says someones elses problems are worse by degree. You are hurting over this... anything else is irrelevant. I was just trying to make you smile... I apologize if I came off as being flip. If you DO want to talk, you know how to find me. I think you know somewhere in you that your thoughts and feelings are safe with me... I have been there too many times to play you false with your emotions over it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	shared_solitude 2006-05-01 15:27 (link)
	I truely appreciate your offer and if I can collect my emotions enough to make sense then I know where you are. Right now I'm swimming in a vast pool of unidentified emotions. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	darksideslady 2006-05-01 15:33 (link)
	I know what that is like.... and as you know our current relationships are a lot alike in the way they make us feel... hugs to you my friend (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Just don't do it coffeetalk67 2006-05-01 13:44 (link)
	Don't internalize, keep it flowing out, talk about it, write about it and eventually God will bring you to an understanding as to how he wants it to be. It is wonderful that the two of you love one another so much, focus on that and what is meant to be will be. Michelle (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: Just don't do it shared_solitude 2006-05-01 15:25 (link)

Like I said to Janet, I am so worried about letting him down. Your right, I do need to talk about it and this is the only place I feel safe enough about letting whats inside out. He's so good to me. Yeah he has his days of being the biggest asshole on earth, but so do I. He's more complex then a rubic cube, that makes him more intreaging. I never believed in love, before he fell in love with me. I mean, I knew I could love, but no one ever really was able to make me feel loved before him. You know, I odnt even know what I'm saying or if it makes any sense. I'm just letting the fingers type out whatever enters my mind. I shouldnt be stressed, I should be jubuliant for what I have. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

originalsin_66 2006-05-01 22:30 (link)

I know that I dont have the right words Melody......but I wish that I did. I wish that I had the answers you are looking for......to help ease the pain and confusion you are feeling. Wait til the tests come back.....get genetic testing yourself and then go from there. You and Salah will come to the right decisions for you. Have faith in your love and the bond that you share. If you should need to talk....yell....scream or simply cry, I am here. HUGS (Reply to this) (Thread)

	shared_solitude 2006-05-04 12:45 (link)
	I tend to take what ever comes my way..... good or bad. I'm approaching this with the same attitude... let og let God. Thanks Lisa (((( hugs)))) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

sophiaysf 2006-05-01 22:51 (link)

I don’t know. But I think this is a painful decision. You poor thing. He loves you, desperately wants to have a child with you. But don’t mind me saying, has he ever considered the consequences? I mean, fragile X is not a small matter. Is he mentally prepared for that? I might not give the best advice but personally, sometimes you really do not need a child to prove your love or your commitment. If all the odds are stacked up high against you, why bother to gamble on such a losing battle? Adoption seriously, isn’t all that bad. Give others a chance. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	shared_solitude 2006-05-04 12:47 (link)
	Sophia its not about proving love, every day does that. Its cultural and religious beliefs. He knows the conscequences, I have two children with disabilities. Thanks so much. I really appreciate your input and sympathy. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)