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scrudder (scrudder) wrote,
@ 2006-04-12 12:55:00
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    Current mood: tired
    Current music:Nada

    It's been a minute
    On the Pleasures of Being Comfortable

    I’d been suffering my whole life from a prolonged neglect of the relief of farting.
    It’s something that I can honestly say I have never done in public until recently.
    Well, it just so happens that I had been missing out on a world of relief. There is something so comforting about just letting the sound of a popping balloon slip out of your bottom. Not so much the sound but the instantaneous relief to your stomach.
    As many of you know, I’ve had gastro problems for most of my life.
    This whole farting thing has come as a great remedy thus far. I can’t recall exactly how it came about, but my wife pointed out that it was quite ridiculous for me to go to the toilet every time I had to expel gas from my rump. I couldn’t really argue with that; to me it had become a matter of routine and was no more annoying to me then breathing air.
    I did realize something right away however: Every time I held a fart back it would cramp my stomach until the feeling went away or until I could make it to a bathroom.
    The first time I made a conscious decision to let a fart roam free in public was as recently as a month or so ago. Let me tell you something. It felt great.
    My stomach was no longer plagued with that short period of consistent pain and cramping.
    That first fart sounded like someone gently kicking a soccer ball. I practiced this for a while until I became confident that I could get those soccer ball farts and balloon popping farts out without much effort.
    I was really embarking in uncharted territory. Farting was not yet natural to me so I wasn’t sure if I would be able to control it. One night while sleeping in the bed, the wife and I were laying on our sides, backs facing each other, and at some point in the night our butts migrated towards one another and made contact. It was comfortable. And then I farted on her butt. At first I was quite embarrassed, I thought she might be awake, but then I heard her snore so I knew I was okay. But that fart made our butts warmer and even cozier. Who knew there were all these undiscovered joys associated with farting!
    Recently my wife and I were spooning in the bed and she said she had to go to the bathroom. I asked her why and she said she had to fart. I squeezed her tightly and told her to embrace it and to just let it go! She laughed and said she couldn’t, so I tried to help her out and let one go so she would feel more comfortable. I pushed and pushed and there it was. Out of my butt roared the sound of a happy parade of people shouting and laughing!
    It was by far the biggest and most adventurous fart yet. There are realms of farting I’ve yet to discover. I am a novice however so I should take it slowly.
    Yesterday, for example, I was walking along and needed to fart but something was stopping me. It was the fear of ultimately knowing that I wasn’t sure if I could let this one go without some poo being involved. Also, I had to pee. I didn’t want to pee myself, so I held this one back. But one day – I’ll have control over my faculties I’m sure to the point of letting one of those enormous beasts of sound escape from me without having to worry about pooing or peeing myself.
    I really have to thank my wife for giving me the level of comfort in our relationship to allow me to get this off my chest (as it were) other wise I could’ve been cramped up my whole life and died recently from some horrible stomach problem. What would the doctors have said when the autopsy report was finally done?
    “Poor guy” they might say “If only he knew the joys and benefits of farting.”
    There’s a whole new world out there just waiting for me to discover it.
    I can’t wait.

    -John M. Scrudder

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