scrudder (scrudder) wrote, @ 2005-05-17 14:24:00

Current mood:	Fun, fun, fun
Current music:	Scissor Sisters: "Mary"

INSTRUCTIONAL PURPOSES ONLY
HOW TO PLAY FINAL FANTASY XI ONLINE

1. Make sure you have no interest in playing the game. Be sure to express this to everyone you know.

2. Buy the game and open the box. The box consists of over 100 CD’s which must be installed onto your computer. (You will probably have to buy a new computer just to play this game.) There will also be a 38,000 page book of instructions and a course application sheet you must fill out so you can attend 4 additional years of college specifically for the game. (Yes, you can play the game without going through these college courses, but it strongly recommended that you go through the classes. I knew a guy one time that tried to play without going to the classes and he got run over by a truck, so, think about it.)

3. You have to install your online viewer disc and all one hundred something Final Fantasy Discs. This should take no more then 3 or 3 and half months depending on your connection speed. The computer will be telling you to insert incorrect discs all the time! Just ignore and put them in sequential order.

4. After all the discs are loaded its time for some serious fun by which I mean registration and dishing out some green backs to play this fabulous game you’ve heard so much about!

5. Now it’s time to load up the game only to find out you don’t have the right graphics card because you are a stupid, cheap bastard. To solve this problem you have to go through a painful process of finding a graphics emulator that only reveals big chunky white and grey blobs where pictures and letters are supposed to be. This is a lot of fun, isn’t it!? Since you cant read anything be sure you have someone on the phone who has a decent graphics card and can walk you through your grey blob nightmare so you can create a character!

6. Creating a character is a lot of fun. No, no it isn’t. By this point your frustration level should be peaking and after a year of installing and registering and emulating, all you really want to do is play the game.

7. After you complete your character, you must enter a world pass or be assigned to some place where you start the game, however, since your emulator doesn’t properly work the online viewer will simply shut down and return you to your desktop – this fulfills your Final Fantasy XI online gaming experience, I hope you had as much fun as I did!

8. Punch the monitor. Throw your computer out the window and break anything around you. Though this is not like playing FINAL FANTASY XI ONLINE, It is a good substitute considering all the pain and anguish you could have circumvented by simply turning your computer on and starting out on the desktop.

What lurks in the inbox... indirectly 2005-05-17 09:51 (link)

hahahahahah --- hormone shift --- *bursts into tears* Oh well. You know that probably will help out quite a few other frustrated would-be players. Except all the other ones I know of actually wanted to play in the first place! I wish I'd known about the stupid graphics card requirement beforehand myself. It's just blind luck that it works on my computer. (I wonder if another version of the emulator really would fix it? I don't think it's worth the potential homicides to find out though!) Actual Email sent to the Inbox of John M. Scrudder Dear Sir or Madam: We of the Friends of the Monitor Alliance (FMA) have recieved a report of serious and horrifying allegations of Monitor Abuse which occured in your residence on Sunday the 15th of May. A hearing and court date have been scheduled in order to ascertain the extent of your involvement of the perpetration of this heinous and unforgiveable crime. It is our fond wish to find you "Not Guilty", however our sources indicate that you actually are guilty, not only of this one incident, but of many many such similar incidents. Monitors are our friends, Mr. Scrudder. Your blatant disregard of this fact indicates an intelligence somewhere between a cucumber and frosted pudding cake. May god have mercy on your soul as we will not. Sincerely, Candy Spate Head Director of FMA FMA is a fully licensed and regulated nonprofit organization which holds legal authority to persecute crimes of monitor abuse up to and including sentencing capital punishment which occur in the jurisdiction of Peasbody, Idaho, 224 Merriweather St, inside the front living room under the couch, second dust bunny to the right. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: What lurks in the inbox... Wires and stuff scrudder 2005-05-17 10:20 (link)

I have no idea how to respond to this. That is the funniest, most absurd & brilliant thing I believe I have ever read (though of course, I already saw it in my inbox...) Mrs. Scrudder, I applaud you on your comedic sense. This is the most thought out and elaborate joke I've ever read. Congratualtions to you. You win my respect as a comedian. There are many like you, but you are mine. Thank God for small favors and large... Sandwiches. Yummy. Gretchen, I will call you later tonight... I may need some bail money. Even though the E-mail was quite humorous, it was also quite serious. I think I am being followed. The squirrels here are red and look angry at me. For some reason I've misplaced my boots and I am scared of tap water. Send message by drunken owl and we'll meet at old man Johnsons tree at 5 past 16. Bring a watch and a years supply of undewear. Things could get ugly, so be careful. Also, inform the king that His daughter is the one killed the horse. That should solve some problems. Oh, and wear that little red number I like so much, it might be the last time I get to see you in it. I have to go now, I think they've tapped my pen. Love E-mail Scrudder (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)