| Current mood: |  scared |
| Current music: | The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight |
I am not permanent
For all that care my new AIM s/n is jesuswasajeww.
I bought three Cds with my "clothes" money. Give Up by The Postal Service, The Ugly Organ by Cursive, and WWIII by KMFDM. I love all of them more than I can express. Especially Give Up. It just makes me happy.
Today is the worst day I've had in many many many days. Things have been making me happy lately, but today was just overpowered with sheer badness. I hate emotions.
The thing about being a chick is once a month you have the infamous period. Once you get past the cramps, cravings, bitchiness, short temper, and fear of blood soaking through your pants, you are left with a very vulnerable person. The worst part (aside from the cramps) is the unsurity that what you're feeling is real. The not knowing if everything is just being blown out of proportion. There's a voice in the back of your head telling you it's that time of the month and in a few days you will be back to your happy self, but you still feel all of these horrid feelings that make you want to ball your eyes out.
With that introduction, I will now tell all that I am feeling.
I feel alone. Not with my friends. But with my boyfriend. It's as though I'm not a part of his life but rather a piece that he just glued onto his existing life. It was great at first. There was the illusion of being a part of his life. But, it appears the boy didn't use super glue or hot glue. No, he used the cheapo elmer's glue you used in kindergarten that never lasts. Wow, what a crappy metaphor. I don't care. It fits.
I don't get to talk to him. Ever. Even when he had access to a phone, we didn't converse. Sure we would speak, but it's not the same. It's like there was this wall. We don't know each other. We never have. We know one another's favorite colors and the like, but nothing of importance. Just the basics. Just enough to pass off as an actual relationship. But we have no substance. Yes, we love each other. And yes, I do know that sounds fake coming from a 17 year old, but I feel it, and I believe he feels it. But that's it. I just think that there's more to it. There has to be. Because I don't feel real. I don't feel connected to him in the least. He is my boyfriend. I am his girlfriend. It's all just automatic. A fake reality. I'm making no sense. But these are my feelings, screwed up or not.
We never had a chance. Were we so naive to think this would work? That somehow we could be happy for ages and ages hence. There is no future. At all. In any reality. I've begun waiting for the end. I don't think it will come soon. But, just counting down the days. It's a sad sad feeling.
OR. Maybe I've gone completely crazy, and I will feel complete in a few days. Maybe this is just one of my stupid pity phases where I make everything out of be horrible, so people are nice. Or tell me differently. God, I hope so.
Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried underneath where I am
I'll wear my badge... a vinyl sticker with big block letters adherent to my chest
That tells your new friends I am a visitor here...
I am not permanent
And the only thing keeping me dry is where I am
You seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment complex
A stranger with your door key explaining that I am just visiting
And I am finally seeing why I was the one worth leaving
D.C. sleeps alone tonight
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