In my dreams...
I want to go back to being 14 when everything was special. I had absolutely no cares in the world. I didn't have to pay rent or work. The whole world to me was going to school, playing with my friends and experiencing high school. Being 14 was a great age. I was faced with peer pressure. I had to try to fit in. I never fit in at high school. I was the silly girl who wore home made clothes. I had huge glasses. I was smart. I got good grades in all of my classes. I tried whiskey one time in the courtyard during lunch break. I drank it from a milk carton. I didn't get drunk. I had my first 'real' boyfriend sort of guy. I remember that first awkward kiss. I was amazed. I thought he was so cool. I remember we skipped school together once. I thought that I was so cool. We skipped school a couple of times I think. I was so naive. He was 16 and all about sex. Me being the proud 14 year old would not give in. That boy turned into a loser. He made me try pot once. He got arrested for something or another. Ended up having a kid by 18 and who knows what else. Sometimes parents really know what they are talking about in how to live. They can see what is best for their kids most of the time. It is always easy for outsiders to see what is wrong with a situation that they aren't in. For me, it is different. I never know what to do. I am always affected.
From freshman year or the beginning of sophmore year I didn't have another kiss until 19. I don't regret it at all. I just wish sometimes that I could get rid of all of my past baggage. I wish that I could forget about all the hurt that boys have pained me. I wish that I could be open and happy and felt like things would always last forever. I really hope that they do. I love your dorky little laugh out of your nose. I love how you always try to dress nice. Your crazy printed button down shirts. Your neat hair. Your trimmed nails. I like it when you hold me. When you hug me so hard that I can't breathe. When I squeeze you squeeze harder. When we start making out and things get heavier. I love how you act. I love everything about you. All of your faults. I don't care if we are coupon clippers forever. I don't care if I have to support you financially. I will always drive to see you. Just because you don't drive to see me every couple of days doesn't mean that you don't care. I know you do. I always want you to. I always want you to be by my side. I want to hear your quick trip songs. I know it is only because you HAD to go to Wendy's. I love our memories. Every visit is special. There is nobody that I can compare to you. Nobody can compare to my feelings for you. Even though I may not say it or return your words. I love you. I always will. And I am sorry that I have ever doubted us.
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