Say You Love Me (sayyouloveme) wrote, @ 2004-04-08 01:28:00

In the face of God
Yet another day has gone by. I didn't feel very well today. I did a lot of sleeping and reading. I have a CAT scan on Monday. Dr. Reddy is almost positive that my tumors are shrinking. I am so happy about that. I didn't have much to say to him today. Cherry seemed surprised that I was up to biking and stuff. I am going to get through this. It is just a matter of time. I am glad that I got the wimpy cancer.

Justin is going to see me on Saturday. I am really excited.

I can't get comfortable in bed. I wish that I had Justin to sleep on.

Tomorrow I am going to try to eat some structured meals. I haven't done a very good job with eating over the past 2 days. That has to change.

I really liked a line in my Lance Armstrong book today. It said something about this military guy telling Lance that they were the lucky ones. Lance thought that was a ridiculous statement at the time. It is so true though. I know this whole ordeal has helped me a lot. I still can't wait for it to be over though. I want my hair! I hate wearing that wig. Sometimes I just want to flaunt the fact that I don't have hair. I just want people to see how happy I am without hair. I don't know.

We all do things that we regret.

I wish that I could believe in promises. I want to be able to believe in stuff.

I watched christian music videos today. At the end of the show it said something about god. I think it is creepy how all those young kids are all about god. I put it in the same sort of group like the druggies, the skaters, the preps.. then there are the god people. I don't see how they do it.

I also read something on the onion. It cracked me up. It was about this guy who went out on a date with a girl. He was invited up to her apartment. She had Jesus stuff everywhere. He said something like this. I noticed the cross around her neck, but lots of people wear those. I didn't think that she was one of those Christian Christians. haha..

I found this really cool winamp radio channel. It has a lot of punk and metal on it. It ranges from Metallica to Dead Kennedys to Me First and the Gimme Gimmies. It is a nice compilation.

I hate insomnia. I miss the days where I would just go to bed exhausted and I would fall asleep immediatly. I hate that I am a terrible speller. Recently I feel like I am about 12 years old again. Maybe younger. There were times when I couldn't fall asleep. I would cry myself to sleep or think. I would think a lot about death. Now I find myself doing it a lot again. I really don't like doing that. I guess it is my biggest fear. I wonder how my parents deal with getting older. I mean reminescing must really suck. To realize that you have much less to live than you have in the past. That stuff scares me. I get a feeling throughout my body almost like nausea.

Did you know that I only like to get in and out of the bed on one side of it? The side I enter is the side that I get off of. I did break that tonight though. Lets see what kind of bad luck that I have tomorrow.

I don't want to be alone. I am scared of ending up like my Aunt. I couldn't imagine going home to an empty house everyday with just my dog to amuse me.

I so wish that I could hold you right now. I wish that I could see you tomorrow. Damn that test. I just want to fall asleep in your arms.

"God schmod, I want my monkey-man!" shred_head 2004-04-08 00:44 (link)

I can't wait to see you this weekend. It's going to be great! I wish I could sleep with you tonight, I would've gone to bed hours ago. Haha, christian rock...so glad I'm not into that stuff. Hahahaha....a Christian Christian...that's great. I only get in and out of bed on one side too, how about that? It means something. Then again only one side of my bed is open, but I don't think that matters. I wish that I could see you everyday, and fall asleep in my arms every night. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: "God schmod, I want my monkey-man!" hunnypot81 2004-04-11 15:52 (link)

girl, I am so jealous of you.. it doesn't really matter where I was last night, just know that I was confronted again with the fact that the one I'm in love with is completely devoted to another... and I realized how good you have it... with all the tremendous things you have to do deal with, you have someone to share your pain with, and your laughter... I sat there watching him and craved every instant of eye contact he gave me... but I couldn't always tell if he was looking at me, or at his girlfriend beside me, and I died inside a little each time she smiled back.. you know I had dozens of opportunities to spend time with him while he was single and I was too busy paying attention to the horrible boyfriend I had at the time... Now I'm kicking myself for not accepting every invitation because maybe it would have been my number he'd asked for and not hers... heh, and how many times have I told MY friends not to dwell on the past! Anyway, just know that you have someone who loves you and that is so rare and extraordinary... and know that I am infinitely jealous. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Yup... sayyouloveme 2004-04-11 16:07 (link)
	I can't complain. I am a lucky one. I went through a lot of bad ones in order to get this one though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)