|Current mood:|| curious|
|Current music:||beck - midnight vultures|
well, let's see, not too much going on in my life i guess. well there is... sort of. i just can't talk about it. sometimes, i just want to know. you know? haha. well i might as well just get to the point at hand.
have you ever had the feeling that you just are NOT good enough for someone? it is a depressing feeling mind you, so for those of you who never feel sad, congradulations. but today, and for the past week, i have had this feeling. that i am nto good enough for a certain person. he is wonderful. he has his down falls, but we all do. he has moments... where i just melt. where every little thing he does is so perfect... then there are the moments where the asshole wouldn't know if i died right in front of him. you see, he has a habit of ignoring me. and i have yet to know what to do. mainly because i became stupid, and fell in love with him.
i want a smile on my face constantly, and he used to do that for me... but then i met his ex. someone i know i will never amount up to. she is gorgeous, tall, lanky, fun, her personality is exactly like his, they have been so close for a bajillion years. they are still best friends to this day, and well... it's hard to be in the same room as them, because well... i clam up and don't have anything to say. i can't be as funny as i am when she is around, and he won't let me touch him when she is around.
i trust her more than i do him, because i have talked to her on the phone about it. she says she will never get back with him. not as long as she lives. which is understandable, they just dont work well together when they are a couple. happens to lots of folks i hear. well... i know he wants her back, it's blaintenly obvious. and i personally don't know what to think. i try not to think about it first off, because i can't be her for him. i only have myself to offer, and that doesnt seem to be doing the trick.
i don't like to be excluded from things that he lieks to do.
him and i weren't friends before we started dating. we met, and liked each other that same day. that seems to be how all my relationships start. the only "friends first" relationship i had, was with daryl. not my favorite of my 4 relationships, but it was good. a year and a half long, that was. then matt. matt and i dated... for about a year and a half too. but he was a "first day"guy. like chris and gus were too.
my relationships also seem to be getting shorter and shorter. i want a long-term one. because i fell in love with them. the idea of having someone care for you so much and for such a long period of time. always knowing that you will have that person there for you no matter what.
i realize that best friends are like that too, but it just seems different. your companion becomes your best friend... in a way.
i feel bad everytime i want to talk to gus about something that i am feeling bad about, because it seems as if it is all the time. i take up his time, and waste it. thats me. wastey mctime.
i do too much for him, it's not too much for me, but for him, i think he is tired of the whole "girlfriend" thing. the whole "couple" thing.
i want to be fun, which i think i am... i want to make him laugh, which i thought i did... i want to make him happy, which i feel i don't do. hense the fact that i am not leanne.
it seems as though no matter what i will never make him THAT happy.
i have to realize that i am not gorgeous, nor attractive in any sort of way, which many people find to be frustrating. i have such low self esteem, and gus doesnt really help that. he tries, which i commend him for.
... you know... he tries. he tries hard to make me happy, for the type of person he is, anyway... i just wish it was more on a continual basis.
i want infatuation. i want lust. i want love. i want gus.
(i rented Spun and Queer as Folk season 2; disc 1 from work)
oooh, by the way.
my name is sarah, i live in tacoma wa, hopefully seattle or NYC soon... i live with housemates, we have a house. hense... "house mates" and i am usally the happy, daffy girl.
this post is not me. for all inquiring minds.
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