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pretty girl is suffering (sant3ria) wrote,
@ 2003-05-26 21:55:00
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    Current mood: drained
    Current music:sublime - santeria

    1st entry
    ok so heres the deal. im 16, and yes this journal will be me bitching about my petty little problems if you don't like it, go to hell. so yeah...anyways, im engaged. im on a brake right not so i can spend time with this new guy i met who is also engaged. i love my fiance to death and we have been together for years (he isnt seeing other people while were on the brake bc hes so in love with me) but theres just something about this new guy, something that makes me want him. hes marrying the biggest bitch ever in a few months, deep down i want to destroy this wedding, he will not be happy with her. i told him he was just marrying her for her money bc if he truly loved her then he wouldnt spend all his time with me or on the phone with me. he got defensive about this which means its true. shes not even that pretty. maybe im just jeleous. i shouldnt be bc i talk to him more than she does but deep down i know she will have him in the end. i know ill end up with my fiance and hes a good guy, but right now im just so confused, about everything. my parents are overprotective assholes. all they do is bitch and complain. i only go to school and work. i have to sneak around to do everything. i just started smoken grass. it helps me get my mind off my parents, and my relationships. its like i smoke and all the problems go away and im happy. i just started smoking this month. im on honor roll and do great in school, im popular and get along good with everyone. no one knows im this unhappy. i paint my smile on every morning for the world to see and everyone sees my face, no one sees that underneath the curled hair, make-up, and trendy clothes that theres a girl in there screaming to be freed, screaming to be heard. thats all i really want. i need to leave this town, i would do anything to be able to just leave with the new guy i met. hes moving to another state in july. i wish i could just go, with no strings attached and no obligations. just be free. ive never been free. all my life ive always had someone there. im always in relationships to, one right after the other. i think i need people around, im scared i guess. i just dont want to end up a lonely old maid with 20 cats (aka my grandmother). im also afraid of rejection. im just a lonely girl. i act out for attention, i make everyone laugh and i love the attention. i kissed a guy friday, i dont know why, he was cute but i had no reason to. i sat down and thought about it and its just the attention that i wanted from him. plus the fact that hes suppose to be taken. i always go for guys with girlfriends. call me a homewrecker but its true. i love the challenge and deep down i think i like hurting girls, hurting them the way ive been hurt. i know it sounds horrible but its true. guys are so easy, there isnt one guy in the whole world who wouldnt cheat if he knew no one would ever find out. oh i can hear the girls disagreeing now but trust me there isnt. i know this for a fact. guys cant help it, they were born like that and will always be like that. pussy is pussy. theres no way to get around that little fact. i guess this is enough ranting for now, its good to keep it real for once in my life.

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