there's something in the wind (salyskellington) wrote, @ 2003-03-18 00:21:00

So I quit and it was nothing too formal, got Lindsey with her monotoned yesnos, and she said just come in on April 2nd to get my paycheck. It will be nice to not work for awhile. Part of me needs a break, but part of me is starting to think too much with all this free time.
To escape falling into a no-baby-blues mood, I went to the goodwill. Excellent deals today. I got a summer dress that was deadstock, no one had ever worn it, so that's pretty sweet. I don't mind used clothes, but it's even nicer when something brand new only costed me $3.39 when it would have been at least $20 in the store. I also got four books for me and Boo. Not that we don't already have enough to read, the book-whores we are. The list: Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar (which I already read, and loved, even though it made me think I was crazy for like two weeks after I read it), Frank Kafka, Metamorphosis, and two random books about music. What I didn't realize about the goodwill is that they get alot of their stuff from store donations. Damaged goods. That aren't really damaged.
Everyone I know is having babies. Maybe that's why I keep thinking about him. Or her, I shouldn't be labelling someone I never met. I wonder if Boo thinks about it as much. Sometimes he puts his head on my stomach and I ask him what he's doing and he says "listening", me, "for what?", him "babies". Ha. Since then I have been on oh let me count THREE different birth controls. Shitty. I honestly haven't thought about it in a very long time. My mom had to fucking bring it up on my birthday and I just couldn't let myself break down. Right now I'm not breaking down, but I saw a this kid who was born around when S/he was supposed to be, and I wondered what he would look like. He, him. We knew it was a boy.
Lately I keep feeling someone stroke my hair when there is no one around. Or no one in reach. I wonder if it's him. I've heard that the souls of babies who die before birth stay very close to their mothers, waiting for a new body to fill. I wonder when I'll get to meet him. Maybe that's why I stick with Boo through all the bullshit. Because we're all waiting.
Forgive me please and come back to me soon. I love you goodnight.

	rslynch 2003-03-18 15:19 (link)
	I love The Metamorphosis. Deep stuff, vivid, and lots to dive into. Sorry about your baby. My mom had 2 or 3 miscarriages and she believes the same as you do. I hope you're okay with everything. (Reply to this) (Thread)