it seems time passes by on those with fair skin and perfect smiles
every day i write an entry on the journal at my website, the more it comes to my true feelings and less of a mask like i have always done. i wonder why that is so, maybe im starting to not give a damn about how people see me. or maybe this is a subtle cry for someone to give me attention. maybe... i dont know.
on friday we played for a piece of my heart. the play was wonderful, i wont go into detail how we played, we just did our duty and that was all.
i was supposed to pick up monica but i ended up not doing that...i woke up late and so i had to just haul ass to the play and rehearsal...yes, i ditched her.
I left her behind just so i could save myself, and it eats at me knowing i did that. it pains me to know that i just decided on a whim to leave her so that i wouldnt be late. *sigh* another sin to scratch onto my chest.
so we play our songs and now we watch the play, and i walk in...and i sit by myself, katie and the rest of the sit together...she sits next to hilton...she sits next to hilton....and I...i have no one to sit with. I am alone....I am alone and the darkness of our theater makes me feel more alone.
intermission gets on at about 9. I stand up stretch and head down the stairs...shake the hands of a few friends, then i say hi and bye to Phil. Katie, Meghan, Ramirez and the rest of them are down there....they dont say hi...that is fine, I am not that important. But for some reason...when i say good bye to phil, they all seem to say good bye. That sickens me. It sickens me that somehow now im fucking noticed, that now im all of a sudden an object within their scope.
my back was already facing them when they all started to say good bye....i just waved and said in a normal voice, "bye" without looking back. If they didn hear me...whatever. I cant deal with them.
I just stood outside for awhile and sucked in the cool air we are having lately, it was nice for my lungs to feel the crispness. and then i went home.
only to goto sleep nicely in my snug bed.
Katie checked my website out, the little link spy told me. Is she trying to find an answer in there? i think so.
Can I go into so much detail of why I find her so lovely? Can words truly describe the feeling she makes me feel when she is around? Can I go into so much detail without just falling apart because I know she is so close yet so far? Can I? I don't think I can, I could try, but it just would not do.
Tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, I could just pour out my heart and the words that explain why I'm this and that and this and that, and tell her what I want to tell her, but...but...it wouldn't get us anywhere, except fumbled up, and disjointed. She would feel warped and confused, and I? I would be even more so, more so. Shakespeare could not write such a tragedy as this; the story of a boy, whose heart feels the way it does, yet cannot speak out for the chance of losing something so dear, so established.
Shakespeare? Do you see this? This would move the groundlings to tears, the woe it carries is burdensome and moving. Shakespeare? Master of divine tragedies, do you know how to quell this feeling in my heart? How do you make it stone? How do you make it unfeeling?
My sister bought me shoes, I love her.
She bought me a beanie too.
Love her more.
*smirk* my life is turning upside down alot. I hope I find my way. Amen.
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