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The Blue Gothling (sacrificeelegy) wrote,
@ 2005-05-21 23:50:00
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    Current mood: lonely
    Current music:Boys on the Radio- Hole

    Do What You Want, 'Cause I'll Do Anything...
    Agh, this is so fucking sophmoric, this journal. I don't know what the point of keeping it anymore is, save for the fact that it houses my otherwise useless thoughts.

    Nick and I aren't talking as of late. Well, as of yesterday, anyway, and for some reason, I've been having these slight vomits of crying fits, ones that last about 5 minutes and then stop. It's particularly irritating. Goddamn, and since my sister has become engrossed in music lessons, my parents seem to have ceased caring that I, in fact, am still a dancer, and therefore need certain things to be prepared for my recital, which is in two weeks.

    I sound like some stupid whiny emo-chick. Fuck and a half.

    God, I was so happy about being with Chris a few days back, but now I feel like it can't possibly work. I'm still a minor, which means that until further notice I'm under my parents' control, not my own. Now I'm not reckless, mind you, I'm pretty paranoid without their help. Its just hard to believe that this relationship is going to evolve much, given that they are pretty much set on eliminating anything remotely "risky" (oh so vague, I realize) from my life as of yet.

    Maybe I should just forget about all of this. I can't expect someone like him to love some stupid whore like me anyhow.

    Heh, and you know what? I was considering running away with him quite seriously. But now I realize that I could never ask him to bear that burden, nor would I let him if he were to take it up willingly.

    It's so difficult to know what to do at this point in my life. I don't understand anything that's happening anymore. And even though I'm with the guy of my dreams, and even though I may very well be in love, and even though all of the academic trauma is coming to an end soon, I can't help but feel as though resistance towards the imminent end to my sanity is futile. Perhaps I should embrace it. But I don't know if I am ready to do so.

    I guess, when it comes down to it, although it is not the summation of this entry, all I want is someone to love me. Because I would give anything to be able to give and recieve something so great.

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