| Current mood: |  exhausted |
| Current music: | Al Greene~ Lean on me. |
it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
Today was my mom's bday. I had this huge idea. I was going to make her a dinner. All by myself. Well, then Drew decided HE was going to help. Which is fine (key word is help right?) So instead, he takes over, and takes FULL credit for this "bday bash". I was pissed. I never went off on him like that before. I seriously mean it when I say I'm tired of it. And I dont want him over my house, I dont want to go there. It's not just him. I want to be left alone. With my music. Sometimes I may want to talk to random friends.. ie: Jason K last night, Chad/Angela tonight. But a group of people? no thankyou. I do think I'm going to have this bday party. After all, I may regret it when I'm 50, since it's my 16th and all.
I hate this. I feel like a crying, whiny bitch. And sorry. I have never felt like this before.. so forgive me. Dont read my entries if you think I'm a weak, emotional girl. Because right now, I am. I'm very weak.
I feel like everything is getting destroyed, and I dont really care for some reason. I can see all of my friendships crashing down in front of me, and I dont care. i really dont. I see my dreams of setting the 2 mile record at my school getting destroyed. I just dont care. I only care about.. well nothing. I just want to go to my room and listen to music all the time.
During class, I'll get a pass so I can go to the bathroom and cry secretly in a stall by myself... Hidden from the outside world of students who dont understand. Students who think that I'm some really strong runner chick who has her head on straight. Who has the greatest friendship in the world. nahh.. thats not me. Anymore
Today Drew said to me that he wants the old Erin back.. the one from summer. Well in case he failed to notice, in the summer I was happy.. BECAUSEEEE I was in love.. blinded by love. Thought I could never lose him as a boyfriend... thought it was all real.
And yes, maybe I AM still hanging on. But dangit.. it's hard. Hard to be in love with your gay ex boyfriend who now is your ultimate friend. The one who sticks by you. Yep. It's hard. And if it isnt for others.. than I AM weak. I'll be the first to admit it. I think it's so hard b/c I realize how blind I was. I always thought he was gay. Since 8th grade or so. But no. I denied my thoughts and turned them into some type of fantasy. A fantasy that I loved.. still do love.
And even though he wants it back.. I dont know if I do. Maybe it's time for me to leave everything.. start a new erin. I've done it before I can do it again. Milestones. That's what that's called. Milestones.
It's just so weird to me. Depression sucks. I think I need some medication. Medication is for the weak. I dont know. You dont care.. so why should I? Why should I waste my time/emotions/tears/love/hate/energy.. EVERYTHING on this?
It's not even just Drew. But that triggers it. A lot. it's moving/joe/school/finding a job/.. Everything. I need to relieve this stress. I used to do that by running. now what? i dont know.
I just dont know.
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