I reread my last posting here earlier tonight and i don't really like what or how i wrote what i did. But.. I am leaving it up here because that is how i felt at that time. I admit to feeling confused sometimes, feeling left out or forgotten. But deep in my heart i know that i do cross Masters mind likely often inside of a day. I know He cares deeply about His slave but He is not one to show it all the time. That is Him. Me on the other hand feel i need to tell Master that i love Him, miss Him. It is not to attempt to manipulate Him into coming online to talk or pressure Him to allow me to call Him. It is because this relationship i have with Master is something that i once never thought i could find. This kind of deep , trusting relationship. I never thought in my wildest dreams i would meet a man who i would trust with a knife in His hand using it on any part of my body He desired to, or any number of the things that Master has done to me ( and often i enjoyed to one degree or another). I trust Master in that He knows His slave the person i am inside. He accepts that yeah i can be a highly emotional person .. i don't think He would want that changed in me. He accepts that i am stubborn because He has seen that it may take a while but i learn and grow in the direction He wants and we both know i need to go. There is always room to grow there in other avenues of our relationship. We both have room to grow.
One thing Master has in abundance that i seem to lack often is patience. There to i am learning. I have too for reasons just like that in my last posting here. For me it is not always easy to achieve, it is at times damn hard because i get angry and want to rant and rave but hell it wouldn't get me anywhere . My emotions and feelings sometimes run rampant with me but i somehow doubt Master would want me to ignore my feelings or bury them. What would be the point in having a slave who felt nothing, showed nothing and seemed to of lost interest in all the wonderful things Master has shown and taught me.
Yes i have wants and needs and there are many many times i wished Master would see to them... now, right away. But would that be a slave. Would that make me happy in the long run? No because that would be me having control and even if it is frustrating sometimes i need Master to be in control. Feel His control. And the times i feel like i am being left out or forgotten i need to always remember that He has given me routines, permissions and that is Him controlling me. So much of what i do in a day He has taken control of.
Master has never made it seem like my needs are unimportant. Sure He may not choose to act on what i ask for right away. I may have to wait for a while for answers to questions or requests but that is learning patience ( even when it really ticks me off lol)
I know Master needs to know that i miss Him , that i love Him, that i wish He was here to give me my swats each day. I think He knows how painful it can be for His oftentimes over emotional slave to be away from Him. But for Him to give me to much attention when He and i both know that is impossible because of how real life butts in , that would only screw things up. There again patience . Not trying to make Him feel sorry for me or make Him feel guilty. I don't want that. That is me trying to control Masters emotions and thougths and i would rather see His unpredictability ( more). I know there are times Master cannot write and right now we don't talk online or even the phone. Because of real life things happening. There are going to be times my life may butt in to and i can't be in touch though as a slave i have to try harder to be more communicative to Him as in a journal and such. That is something else i need too. It is my connection to Him. Though sometimes i wonder if what i write there actually gets understood ( though i should know better)
So i am learning patience with Master, and with myself. I get angry , i get disillusioned( for a few minutes), i get hurt and cry. There are even times i dislike Master. But the love i have for Master comes through every time. And i hope it always will.
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