|Current mood:|| restless|
|Current music:||U2 - One|
Part two of the last rant
This feeling is beginning to really make me sick. My stomach feels unsettled and every time it turns or feels icky I start thinking those thoughts again. Is it thrilling to think that I may be pregnant? Is that the thrill of sex? Do it not only because it feels good but because drama can always accompany it if someone screwed up. The more I try to suppress the idea the more it creeps into my head. I want to ask David if he really did everything right and at this point I don't care if it hurts his feelings, when I panic I want answers. I just keep thinking how messed up my life would be if I had a child right now, I haven't made it anywhere yet, I have nothing to offer a child and I know the obvious answer would be "well then you shouldn't be having sex then" yes, I know I shouldn't be doing a lot of things but like an imperfect, stupid human I do. I can't say that I will continue doing this, now abstinence doesn't seem like such a bad thing- it never did seem that way, it just seemed restrictive.
Anyway. I'm trying to stay sane, it's the hardest thing to do when you're a 20 year old woman who has yet to complete a home schooling course, you live with and off of your parents, you haven't ever had a job, you're confused about what to do first in your life and you have the idea that you may be pregnant. This is so not good. I feel like I'm stuck somewhat until I can determine that pregnancy is not the case, then I can breathe easier and get on with what I have to and want to do first. I want to complete this course, I'm only a few lessons from finishing too... why, oh why does it seem like the easiest part becomes the hardest parts with me?
I know I should realize that I'm not a failure until I've tried all that there is to try. No one is truly a failure until they give up and I refuse to give up on anything in life. I fall down, I get depressed I feel like less than what I'm worth at times but it happens to everyone, no one is perfect. Success is just a word but it's how you make yourself feel inside is how successful you'll be.
YAY for inspiration.
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