|Current mood:|| hopeful|
|Current music:||FFX - Feel|
It's my world
Well it's been done. I thought I could control myself, be more mature with my desires but I thought wrong. Sandy and me had sex, messed around at work and got caught once... it wasn't a great feeling to think that every person that looked at you knew what the person that caught you knew. I felt so reckless but he didn't seem to care. Our whole friendship feels ridiculous now, I don't like him much but I do like the attention he gives- like any of the other guys there, the attention is appreciated but I feel like I shouldn't care- and really I shouldn't but I do to a point. Everyone says that I'm Sandy's girl, I deny but with his attitude I can't tell if he likes that people link me to him so much, I can't understand what he wants from me. We had sex once, it's not something I'm looking forward to doing every time he gets the thought in his head. I have to be stronger, I need a new job, a new start... as sad as it seems that I already screwed up and are in need of a change, it's necessary despite what happened. This job is just not my place, I'm not sure if the pay is even worth what I go through. The financial center is beautiful, I have no complaints about the building but the job really kills any beauty I see in the place.
JP came to visit me on thursday, for lunch. Just hearing his voice on the phone was enough to make me nostalgic for how much I adored him in the past. Seeing him on the street when I went to meet him, hugging him in the crowd of people, feeling him kiss my cheek and tell me how gorgeous I looked made me feel special. He always made me feel special in a strange way. We went to a sushi bar, we talked about me mainly since I've become the star of my own life these days, I took in his pretty blue eyes once again; I took in as much of his personality as I could in an hour. I didn't check my watch as often as I might have had I been with Sandy, I didn't want to go back to work, I wanted to leave with JP. It used to be hard for me to admit how much influence he had on me, how much I wanted to be approved by him, I wanted him to always think highly of me as I do of him. I get so defensive for him, I care for him deeply- so deeply that I didn't ask if he was still with his girlfriend because I had a strong feeling that he wasn't, that it had ended. He wanted to know about my love life and I didn't mind telling him; I joked about the times that I craved his touch... it wasn't funny at the time, it wasn't even funny when I looked in his eyes and giggled about it, for all I knew if he had asked me to come home with him, leave work to do so, I would have left in a heartbeat and went to make love to him. The feelings never went away for him, I just moved on, I just learned not to feel anything for anyone else after him, that's how I exist, I feel nothing and I don't want to feel anything for the others.
JP when you hugged me... I forgot all of my troubles, all of my worries and sadness- they all vanished. When you hugged me I didn't care who saw, I didn't care that a man came up behind us and smiled at me- I didn't care. Hug me again sometime and make my world brighter. I want to see you again...
On a cute note I have a crush once again on a celebrity, it's been a long time since I've crushed on a star, I sorta stopped when real guys filled my thoughts but how can anyone resist Scott Speedman?
Mmm, Robert Scott Speedman, YUM.
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