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Chelle (rochtnlsd) wrote,
@ 2005-07-13 01:02:00
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    Current mood: discontent
    Current music:"Don't Wanna Lose You Now" BSB

    So it's been a while
    I feel like I'm always saying that now. *sigh* eh, whatever. And what happened to cause this prolonged absence? Shear Laziness. Well, and life happened.

    I've been thinking about the way life has been these past couple of months. Hell since 2005 started. and already we're halfway through. What have I done? What has changed? I know there was definitely a transition period between 2004 to 2005 when I realized that I hadn't seen my friends at all through the entirety of fall quarter. that was a depressing thought. I'd isolated myself to a point where I barely had any contact with my friends. Just School, work, home. school, work, home. Day in, day out. Then during finals, I finally saw some of the girls from my floor last year for the first time in 6 months. All during Winter Break, I couldn't help but think about that. I was closer to my mom, yes, but I hadn't grown.

    So winter quarter rolls around, and I finally start going out more. Try to take a bit more independence, well as much as I could have of course, and yes my grades did slump a bit....or a lot more than I would have liked, but I had more of a social life. It still wasn't enough, and it's still not enough to this day. I was content Fall Quarter with staying home and doing nothing. But when I found out how much I missed out on college much of it i'm missing even now, it's depressing.

    Looking back on just this....I've always taken the back seat to life. I still take the backseat, and I'm in it right now. It'd be cooler if I were literally sitting in the backseat of my car typing all this out, but alas, i'm not in the mood to "creep downstairs" to sit in my car. Plus i took the battery out of this laptop, and oh yeah there's the issue of having no internet connection. Damn. But aside from all that, I'm in the backseat just as I've always been. Yes I got to "drive" for a while last year when I wasn't under this damn roof, but there were still things that held me back.

    Are they still there? And who the hell is driving MY metaphorical car? The devil....that's who. In the form of what would be parents. I'm 20 and I'm still talking about parents. And it comes down to obligation. I always feel obligation to things that seem out of my control.

    Financially, i'm dependant on my parents. Yes, i could get out of it, but....that's semi out of my control. It's hard to explain so i'm not even going to try.

    Certain friendships, I feel obligation because they've been so long that I can't just abandon it.

    People. I feel like it's my obligation to do for people. Do all that I can and help in a way that is possible.

    But obligation pushes and obliterates. Ok, i don't know if it really obliterates, but i just wanted to use the word.
    But it does feel like it's obliterating any form of growth i'm supposed to get from life. It seems like my parents are holding my hand all the time. How am I ever supposed to figure things out on my own, or do anything on my own if I don't do it on my own? I've considered chopping off my hand as a symbolic gesture. Well, mixed with a little insanity and alcohol, it could happen. Though I haven't gotten to that point yet.

    Motivation is also a big thing. Ever since the new year started, I haven't been able to really make myself do anything. At least work related. I pretty much sit around on my fat ass nothing. Sunday AND Monday this past week, I sat in front of the TV and ended up watching movies all day. Movies that were on TV of course. I told myself that I would clean my room. Hah....i've been telling myself that or the past 3 weeks actually. Still haven't done it. I really do have to get that done before I leave though and just make sure I have evertyhing.

    That's another thing, I still have paperwork that I have yet to completely fill out, and I'm leaving in a little over a week. Why am I screwing myself over like this? I'm going on a supposed "life-changing" trip and I can't even work up any excitement towards it. Not even to make myself get ready and prepare for it all. I go through all the maybes in my mind and most of them do make sense, but still. I always end up screwing myself over in some way. I just wish I had more independence. Ugh. there it is again. That damn word.

    I thought this entry would be more insightful. Damnit. That's me adding my damn "humor" to it and messing it all up. Hey gotta add entertainment when you can. Then maybe someone might actually make it through an entry. Sigh.

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