I miss you. I'm not sure you can hear me, but these words need to live somewhere outside my head. I miss the way you used to take care of me. I find that as the days pass, I miss a different thing about you. Your smile, your food, your warmth, your knitting. But I miss the way you used to take care of me most. Truly, for a very long time you were all I ever needed.
And I think that's one of the main reasons why I grieve so much recently. I don't think I've met a single person who understands me like you did. I reach out to others, but they don't know my insides. I don't know if its because you were my constant companion since birth; from my diapers to my training wheels, from my bruises to my recitals, you knew me. You always knew when I needed to be held. And I miss that so much. Everytime I'm alone if I'm not distracting myself I'm crying. I worry that there are some parts of me only you know. I wish I were able to understand why, in moments where I'm alone all I do is cry. Sometimes I like to believe I'm letting myself grieve. But sometimes I worry that I can't find someone who can hold my heart like you.
And I know you taught me to be a strong girl. And Mica, I have. And I will keep on being an independent girl. I do my school work, I have a job, I save my money well. And then I wonder if I'm just feeling lonely, and jealous of others who have reliable partners to take care of them. I want to start my life, and I can't help but feeling day after day that something is missing.
I don't know if you can read this blog, or if you can understand English now, but a long time ago I wrote a very silly half-serious boyfriend application. And I think I can sum up what I want in a guy right now in less than a paragraph: Love. Love of and for children. Love of life. Love of knowledge, and a thirsty ambition. Kindess, humour, strength. I don't care what order they're in. But dear god, Mica, I just want to be loved some kind of powerful wonderful, keep me going kind of love. I have so much to be grateful for, and I want to share that with someone. A tendency in these blog posts is a line "i may not have been ready then for a man in my life, but I am now". I'm not sure how much that was true, not sure if it was just my being so desperate and lonely. But now, Mica, I really do. And there's this boy that's re-entered my life after a long time and I feel old feelings and mix them with new. I don't know him, so I can't say how I feel about him. And I thought maybe something might happen if I were to see him again. But if he were still like the boy I used to know, it could go nowhere. For while incredibly kind and sweet and smart he might be, he cannot take care of me, he cannot keep me going. And that sounds terribly selfish Mica. But I want to be. For once in my life I just want something, someone to love me as much as I do them since you.
You were my everything. You taught and showed me that life can be that amazing. And now, well, now I spend my days looking for even a fraction of that happiness that you showed me.
It's not about being happy, I can do that on my own. I want to feel full. Whole. With dashing hope and energy.
I want someone to hold my hand along the way.
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