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i used to love you. i don't understand life sometimes. i took a walk today, after dinner tenderly nostalgic for a barbecue dinner but shovelled three slices of pizza down instead. and i was dressed up with nowhere to go, and thus couldn't bike, couldn't run, couldn't do anything to take my mind off the thoughts that like to steal me away. so i sang. quietly humming to myself, its something i've always loved to do but only alone because i can't carry a tune and i can't have people watching me. so here i am, on the corner of colonial entwining lyrics thoughts, memories. "to really love a woman, to let her hold you till you know how she needs to be touched hear every thought, see ever dream, till you feel her in your blood and when you see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman. if you love a woman then tell her that she's really wanted, if you love a woman, tell her that she's the one ---" stupid dog walker. i smile in their direction bring out my nervous cough and keepn on going singing more quietly than ever after all an entire zoo's just past. "she needs somebody, to tell her that its going to last forever so tell me have you ever really really really ever loved a woman?" strange how the songs you love the most you can't remember. oh, its only me? how clumsy to accuse such things! screw fairer sex or whatever its called now-a-days, i think sometimes men know us better than ourselves and it scares us. because we don't know if they realize it. maybe thats why i hold onto your first draft of your birthday poster, tucked away in my nighttable did you know i couldn't open the thing for months? but i couldn't live not knowing where it was, wondering what landfill was recycling my poor attempts at colouring. i bet you've forgotten me. timing is everything they say. so its 8:30 pm on a staurday night, i'm finishing off my cerbral mixup of "to really love a woman" and the other greatest song of all time. "oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants, she's ahead of her time, oh, and she never gives out, and she never gives in, she just changes her mind --- and the most she will do is throw shadows at you but she's always a woman to me." my lyrics are out of sorts, out of tune, rhyme and place. but the thought of the song and the first time i heard them in my mother's car probably at the age of five on the same saturday but it's morning and we're garage saleing with about ten dollars in loonies, nickles and dimes. you used to buy a lot with ten dollars at garage sales then, and the beauty is - life stayed the same, you still can. so if somethings in life stay the same, i guess my disney fascination makes sense. because, i'm in the wooded pathway before the end of the park with the first posquito bites of the year (everytime i itch i find a new place) i'm thinking its so beautiful here, i have to sing my favourite song, and i can't think of it! raindrops on roses? two a.m.? feed the birds? mona lisa? no. and for some reason i try to remember my elementary school song, and then, right as an elderly couple passes by - boom! "who will buy my sweet red roses, who will bloom for a penny?" that one tiny line from Olliver's Twist mean the world to the musical and to me. its a new beginning. and i'm smirking because i'm writing on the back of your rough drafts. i couldn't find other paper, is this an omen? perhaps its the time of year as we flip through yearbooks that we remind ourselves of who we were, how we've changed. my change? i stopped singing. well, forcing it anyhow. "you can't make someone love you if they don't, you can't make your heart feel, something it won't" i'm on the road home, inhaling the smell of sweet summer, it's a fuzzy breezy haze, and i find a floating spore, no, that's not what you call it. a wishing dandelion. so i catch it with ease, make my wish "i hope to find true love" take a deep breath before blowing it to find my wish and out comes my whooping cough again. i've magically swallowed it. fan-diddly-tastic. i spit it out, a little disenheartened. ok, a little more disenheartened. i keep walking, probably two blocks away now, and i find another right in front of a hosue of twittering giggles and echoing footsteps. this one was much harder to catch, it was the first time that i actually stopped on my walk - right in the middle of everything i didn't say my wish out loud and it glided on behind me, a tall tan boy with curl hair walks in front of me and i stare at the pine tree in the opposite direction. "forgive me for forgetting, but these things i do, see i've forgotten, if they're green or they're blue, anyway, thing is, what i mean to say, those are the sweetest eyes, i've ever seen. i hope you don't mind, i hope you don't mind, that i put it down in words, how wonderful life is, while you're in the world" and as i walk up my drive way, all my circling in my head finally brings me home with new hope, new outlook, new realization. i want to say i love you.
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