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Jonny Kathman (redeyejedi) wrote,
@ 2003-07-01 17:19:00
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    Current mood:scared
    Current music:none.

    ...and the depression sets in.
    good evening. well, not really. you see, today could have and should have been a really nice day. it was nice out, i didnt have to work, and that gave me free time all day to spend with danielle and friends. this morning was fine. i got my run in today, and evan made a sincere attempt to run also, but found much difficulty. then i took him home and called up danielle to confirm our plans to hang out. then i went over and as we proceeded to head out i called evan to see if he and melissa were going with us. danielle happened to hear me mention going to a drive-in movie this evening, and her mood seemingly changed. i asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to display her dis-like for drive in movies. this is where the afternoon went sour.
    i asked if she would go and without reason she continued to say "no". the drive to the nature preserve was quiet and dismal. upon arriving, it was again mostly quiet, and a lot of "what's wrong?'s" and "nuthin's".
    now, i dont know about you, computer, but when you've been dating somone for a while and it seems they dont like to do much, especially with you, that consists of going somewhere or doing something other than laying around, you assume the worst. the worst is that the person doesnt like being with you, or that the person finds you to be extremely boring. also, this person could also be acting this way because things are bothering them all the time.
    anyways, because she didnt want to continue on the trail at the preserve (because wading was necessary in the embarking of the journey) our time spent there was cut short. we sat in the car and i asked her "what am i doing wrong?"
    to make a long story short, we got into a heavy discussion about problems and depression. its no secret now that i have attempted suicide twice in my life, and was troubled with an eating disorder. i was a pretty sick guy for a while. and although i am no expert at depression or the psychology of persons plagued with depression, i think i know a thing or two about it.
    danielle seemed to not want help with the things bothering her. as a matter of fact, she simply stated "i dont want anyones help". this frightens me. it scares me because when someone bottles these things up like she is, they will either have a nervous breakdown or attempt suicide, or both. it scares me because danielle can be a terrific person to be around, pending her mood allows. and i truely care about her a lot. and im sure she is reading this and thinking im a shit head for caring, but i cannot help it. so this is for you, danielle:

    "you scare and worry me a lot with the way you act. i feel hopeless in helping you because you reject my help. you reject all help, in fact, and that makes me sad. i would like for you to enjoy life and your time with not just me, but with everyone and anyone in your life. you have family and friends who care about you, and i am one of those people. i would like to be able to enjoy my time with you as well. so please, figure out what it is i can do to help you. dont do it just for me, either, but for yourself. "



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stova
2003-07-02 01:07 (link)
I think what put me in a bad mood today was that I thought we were going to spend time together... just us 2. I was excited really... Then yes I heard you tell Evan something about the drive in. I got a little frustrated because I knew we wouldn't be alone. I like being with just you because I like talking to you. I talk to you about stuff that I don't tell anyone else. Since we have not been alone for a couple days I figured we had a lot to catch up on. The car ride... I could tell you were frustrated yourself because you would not talk to me. I made an attempt to "make-up" for me not wanting to go when we were walking but you just did nothing really... so... I just said f-it! I was hot, mad, and confused as to weather or not you were angry at me and I did not want to continue on. I just had a break down of emotions... now that it is all over I feel fine. You have no reason to be scared I don't plan on killing myself or anything. Although my life sucks there are certain things in it that I still enjoy and I wouldn't want to end those things. Such as you and *certain* members of my family. As for friends... I want you to seriously listen to me... you never believe me when I tell you I don't have any. I mean there are some I know that I can get along with but I don't count them as friends. All of my friends have made it clear to me that they are done hanging out with me...

I feel like we haven't been hanging out a lot because you are getting bored with me. From now on if you want to do something I will do it... I don't care if i don't like it... because I want to be able to spend time with you. As you have noticed before I am a big observer. I see things from people's actions. Like tonight when you went with Evan and Melissa to hang out with David D. I felt kind of thrown to the side. I would have liked to have gone and spent time with you and your friends... but I was invited so I just kept quiet... or like your band practice I like to watch you, but you haven't asked me to go lately... I would really like to but I would feel stupid saying hey do you care if I go because then that would probably make you feel obligated to say sure even though you may not want me to go. So as far as weather or not you like me going I have no idea.

Oh and I like being with you. You don't bore me but I can tell I am boring you... I feel like you are starting to lose interest in me. I think we should just sit down and talk about this....

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