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Rachel (rapturous_voice) wrote,
@ 2004-05-22 19:16:00
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    Current mood: distressed
    Current music:styx--suit madam blue

    i can't believe he actually said that......
    um after my dad got home from fishing all night (he caught a sixty pound drum fish and brought me home some of the scales, which reminded me a lot of guitar pics), he went upstairs and slept. when he woke up we were supposed to go out to dinner for my birthday, but of course that didnt happen.

    we got into a HUGE fight about how im irresponsible, he's selfish, and how we always argue. i got really pissed off, and (i admit it, i was wrong) stormed out the door and started walking around hammonton. after about fifteen minutes i returned home to find my dad on the steps. he just looked at me and said "pack your things, you're moving out". i just stood there looking at him. he said he didnt care if i moved in with my grandmother, one of my friends, or pitched a tent at school, he didnt want to put up with me anymore. then he went into his room and i havent heard from him since. put up with me???? he's never fucking home! and when he is, he's either messing around with his fishing stuff or sleeping. fuck him. the only time i think i just might bother him, is if i ask to go driving. well excuse me. i'm supposed to be able to get my permit now, but i really need to learn how to drive. i dont want to go for the six hours and not have a clue. then he'll go on a rant about how i dont do all of my chores. all i have to do like everything? i vacuum, wash dishes, wash both his and my clothes, take care of the dog, clean up after the dog, make dinner, etc. and on the weekends i work in the yard too, along with him. but he fails to realize that i have school also, and i just MIGHT want to have a life. so sorry if i forget to do a load of clothes, or wash the dishes once in awhie. i have a lot of stuff to do.

    my dad isnt a bad person, or a bad father. its just he doesnt know how to handle a kid, a teenage kid, by himself. he's been through a lot. but.....i dont see how my moving out is going to help.

    ever since we got back to hammonton i've had this overwhelming fear that he's going to drop down dead. whether it be a car accident, heart attack, stroke, whatever. im scared to death that im going to be an orphan. yes, i know thats weird but i dont want to lose the one person i have left, that i thought would be the one person always there for me, because thats how both of my parents always were. and to have someone that i've loved unbelievably since i was born tell me that he didnt want to put up with me and didnt want to see me anymore, it hurt. incredibly. it probably would have hurt less if he just hauled off and punched me. fuck.....what am i going to do???

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2004-05-26 16:27 (link)
thank you.

i was thinking about what you said and first off, you were right. he basically said everything you did, about how he didnt mean what he said and that he was just angry and he didnt want me to move out. also, i was thinking about how you said its your behaviour which usually sets your parents off and when you realized that, there were fewer fights. i was analyzing the way i've been acting, and realized i did more than i thought to piss my dad off, and i just wasn't realizing what i was doing exactly. hopefully i'll be able to stop now.

also, what you said about me telling my dad about how i feel about losing him is a good idea......but im scared that if he realizes im having a harder time with everything than i let on, he'll send me to a shrink....the idea has already come up before.

i just wanted to say thank you, and that everything you said was right, and if i had realized that before then i would have saved myself a lot of stress. and im glad things are better with you and your family. hopefully, the same thing will work for me.

buon pomeriggio

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