PUnK PiXiE (ransom_worthy) wrote, @ 2003-04-30 21:22:00

Current mood:	okay
Current music:	Black Ballon: Goo Goo Dolls

~*~ Though I Search MySelf There's Always Someone Else I See~*~
These past few weeks have been SO hard on me. Going to Delaware and being thrown into Pop Pop's sickness and all the family drama was truly scary and weird. I never expected to see Pop Pop in the hospital, much less be there as the ambulance came to pick him up. I didn't know I'd be seeing him get poked with needles.

The thing about hospitals is as much as you should feel safe, or thankful that you have people there to take care of you, or your loved ones, you don't necessarily. I felt like the doctors hid a lot from us, and their focus was more on the bare minimum of work they could do. Out of all the days I was at the hospital I saw Pop Pop's doctor once. ONCE. Watching his life fade away was both frightening and frustrating.

There was one day out of the whole time he was in the hospital that he was "awake". I talked to him a little bit and told him that I love him, but I feel REALLY horrible because it was easier for me to be around him when he was not consious. I don't know why, and I feel so wrong and terrible for it.

The last day that I saw him alive was really hard on me. Pop Pop wasn't awake the whole entire time. I mostly just read a magazine in the corner. When American Idol came on I sang the songs to Pop Pop because he always used to say I sing real good. ( He only said that because he loves me) Wends., I stayed at Aunt Lynn's to watch Yelly and to make sure I wasn't going to miss American Idol. The hospital called around 10 to say that Pop Pop died at 9:23. ( For those of you who know me real well..that time has special meaning)


We had a viewing on Sunday night and it was open casket. I really did not like being there and I cried a lot. Pop Pop didn't look like him, he looked like wax or plastic. Also, I know this will probably sound weird or you might not understand but he looked like his soul was trapped in his body, like it was trying to get out. I swear I thought he was going to sit up, or open his eyes, or touch my hand at any second. Uncle Mike showed up wasted beyond belief and proceeded to shake the casket. It was not a good thing.

We put his Eagles blanket in there covering him up because he loved his Eagles. We also put a stuffed dog I had bought him while he was in the hospital and had been awake long enough to see it, smile, and say " Thank You Honey" in a wraspy warbly voice.

The funeral was on Monday. I was really thankful because "he" was there. (Thank you baby, I Love You so much.) That was really hard because I was sitting between Aunt Jenny and Aunt Janet ( Pop Pop's sister) and I had to be the strong one and hold their hands and make sure they were okay. Uncle Mike showed up there as well completely messed and that was horrible. He was so trashed he was hitting on people related to him, including me *rubs her temple* It was just...awful. UGH

Last night was one of the better nights I've had in a LONG LONG time. I got to meet Brandi, who is America to my Erik. She's SO SO awesome and amazing. I love her to death!!!!!

I'ma go now. I've said enough.

XOXO

Dork Ass

hypermonkey2103 2003-04-30 23:23 (link)

T, I know it was hard going to the hospital, but you shouldn't feel bad that you felt better when he was sleeping. My daddy used to say the same thing about his father, my papa, And i asked him why and he said it was because he didn't want to remember my papa laying in a hospital bed. I don't know if this is what you might be feeling but I hope it can help you think through it and not feel bad about it. Your Pop Pop loves you sweetie, and he knows you love him. I'm sorry to hear about your uncle Mike. :( That's not fair of him to ruin things for you and your family. I'm glad you've had a good day :) That's great and I hope you keep having them. I hope we can talk soon. I miss you. Love, Erin (Reply to this) (Thread)

	ransom_worthy 2003-05-03 01:02 (link)
	Erin, I guess that's what it was. It's okay about Uncle Mike. ~T (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2003-05-03 00:58 (link)
	T My Bee, I'm really sorry about your Pop pop. you're lucky he knows that you loved him before he died, i learned that one the hard way. just stick in there chick. love u sissy *~Chelle~* (Reply to this) (Thread)

	ransom_worthy 2003-05-03 01:24 (link)
	Chelle My Bell, It's okay, don't be sorry. It's not your fault. Luv ya 2, ~T Ur Bee (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)