PUnK PiXiE (ransom_worthy) wrote, @ 2003-04-09 01:42:00

Current mood:	eh
Current music:	Clay Aiken:Somewhere Out There

Things have changed SO much in my life, and yet it feels like nothing. I've accomplished a lot of good things. But I'm being thrown into some bad things.

Good Things
1) Eating healthier ( no soda, no cheese etc, etc) which means mostly water, fruits, and veggies.
2) I have a job so I sleep properly and I am earning money.
3) I excercise daily (100 crunches) so I'm losing weight.
4) ( Best Thing Of All) NO CUTTING FOR A FULL MONTH.

Bad Things
1) Finding out about Pop Pop
2) Finding out about Uncle Mike
3) Losing JP.

But the thing is- I'm starting to be able to deal with things and just live my life. One thing aside. And I want to go there for a minute.

Kate had a dentist appt. today and while I sat in the waiting room I read her little "devotional" book thing she got from church. Now you guys know how I feel about - that, but this seriously held my intrest. " Stages Of Grief". Now I know that's for dealing with death. But in a way, losing him is like a death because I never get him back. Lemme show you how it makes sense.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grief is: our reaction to loss

Yeah. You all know that. Just bare with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Stages Of Grief"

1) Shock:
Yeah. I was so totally going " What? Wait, What? Shut the fuck up." My mouth had dropped open and the tears wouldn't stop.
2) Denial:
God, there wasn't a day I wasn't saying, " Well..what if..." or " Maybe if." I was trying to come up with my own reason for him to be real, and to justify her lying.
3) Bargaining:
Hell, I had this stage down to an artform. " If you find some way to prove to me" or " If you'll just let him be real-" I'd promise anything and everything.
4)Anger:
I began this stage by getting angry at him. For not being real, for not loving me, for leaving me. For whatever I felt like being mad at. Then I got mad at Jen. For ever making him a part of my life. For taking him away. Sure I was mean. Sure some of the things I said were hurtful, but it was what I felt.
5) Anxiety:
" What if no one ever loves me?" " What if everyones always a lie?" " What if he's really real, and I cheated because I didn't know?" Those questions attacked me and drove me mad. I felt so tense and so scared.
6) Depression:
The cutting. Not eating. His "presence". All of those things are my depression eating me away. I know I cant hold on, but I sure as hell can't let go.
7) Acceptance:
The final stage. I think that I'm at this point. Where I know it's over, even if I don't want it to be. The scary thing is, I'm not ready for this stage. I'm not ready to let go.

I think I need to start a club or something. Poser Victims Unite? Or just have someone not trying to run me to the crazy farm. Any joiners?


Yeah.


Love Dork Ass

P.S. Does anyone else love Clay? *looks up towards the AI2 Gods* Pwease let him stay this week. My Clay Clay isn't going down without a fight.

	hypermonkey2103 2003-04-09 16:52 (link)
	Hey Tink, Yeah clay is a cool guy but I like Ruben. hehe. So about this grief thing you read. You think you are through the stages but you don't want to be there? why do you think you aren't ready to be there? Maybe you aren't as through the stages as you think. Just a thought. Love yas, Erin (Reply to this) (Thread)

	ransom_worthy 2003-04-11 01:23 (link)
	I like Ruben too..it's just Clay *swoons* He's my man Maybe Im not I dont know..mostly Im just crazy lol, thats what it all comes down too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	xtatteredntornx 2003-04-11 01:23 (link)
	i congratulate you. one cut free month is hard to do. (Reply to this) (Thread)