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{(___*'^v^'*Veil*'^v^'*Of*'^v^'*Flames*'^v^'*___)} (punkman) wrote,
@ 2005-07-27 10:25:00
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    Its like a Wheel of Fortune catagorie, "Break-Down-Falls"
    The rest of the writings that have been festering on my computer at home:

    Jesus Christ I miss my best friend. Im listening to Matt and Liz's song, "The Greatest Fall of All Time" by Matchbook Romance. Oh god, "My Favorite Accident" by Motion City just came on. Me and Matt used to be addicted to Motion City Soundtrack. Kind of ironic that I choose songs that tear at my heart to fall asleep to. Jesus Christ I miss him. I often wonder to myself, "How much can I really take before I snap?" The list:
    ~I live with an utter moron of a women. She tries so hard to be good, but shes so fucking retarded. I cant blame her for her faults. I DONT blame her for the things she fucks up. I cant trust ANYTHING she says. She does not diserve me. And my presence here makes her think otherwise I guess. I wonder, if I abandoned her too, would she get it?
    ~One of my two best friends earlier this year, while living with me, was sent to Millitary School. I saw him once since. I hear he comes back to town sometimes, but is too chicken-shit to contact any of his old friends. The boy no one thought would be broken is a bitch now. Cant blame him though. Im guessing the deal is he can come back to town and see his girlfriend if he doesnt contact any of us. Its so sad. What a decision to make...
    ~The rollar coastering progression with Ashley. Things were just about right. I was days away from a job. The last hurdle to jump through. Now, my inital question is to god. It states, "WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU LEAVE ANY GAS IN THE FUCKING CAR?!?". Or, "WHY THE FUCK DID YOU MAKE IT SO NO ONE WOULD PICK UP THE PHONE IN MY DIREST TIMES OF ALL NEEDS?!?". But then I must remember, I can never blame god. Why? I dont know. All I know is I cant. Square one, my old friend. I hate you so much.
    ~Ive strived through a series of evictions, loosing almost all of my possesions, airlums, the things that I scattered about in my old surroundings(*** down there). These things would show me exactly who I was. My violence. My sence of humor. My irony. My depression. My hope. My fears. Seldom do we look around and notice how many banners of personality we hang. Humans habitually do this to remind themselves of who they are. So now im in this apartment, and the financial provider, my older sister, is going to cut me off. The reason of course is my mother's stupid, stupid, shady fucking actions. My mother still holds no job. Neither do I. I sustain myself with the thoughts, "Concentrate on bettering youself, not what negitive aspects the future holds".
    I was eating earlier. Amidst the chewing, I thought to myself of just escaping to Seattle and not telling anyone. When the definetion of "anyone" was extended to include Ashley, I almost vomitted.
    I live day to day in fear of losing my last strong hold.
    ~The single person ive had my whole life to console me is gone. I had absolutly no closure either.
    The word, "Poof" comes to mind.
    ~Five of genetic relation remain. One just reciently returned into my life. His presence is hardly substantial at this point. One has for the duration of my life, and will probably continue to for the rest of it, fuck me over royally untill either of us dies. My match seemingly enough can only gain weight and scave her way through G.E.D school. Within the next five years I doubt she will be around for me. My only brother wont see/talk to me because of our mother. The one with the shattered piggy bank is too busy for my problems. So simplistic they look to her. I guess a kid becomes an adult when they seem to believe theyve delt with every concevable problem there exists, because they believe their own strives as children were worse. "I had a problem once. Therefore, I can undermind yours". Ive lost my big sis to womenhood. What a shame. By the way, these people are my only family.
    I dont wanna grow up, Im'a real world kid.
    ~There is no day in my life in which I dont regret dropping out of school

    I wish there was a five sentence manner to put it all into sumnation. There simply isnt.

    ***I wonder... of all the people who might read this, who exactly understands what its like to lose everything?
    My exact meaning?
    Very few.
    The ones that can truly relate to this plight, are my true brothers and sisters. My siblings will understand when I tell those who believe they can comprehend to keep your fucking sympathy. You grow to resent those who seem to think they can comprehend. Sometimes though you run into individuals that are in awe of a situation, and take that of their awe as a sign of something far beyond them. For some
    reason, theyre sympathy does not bother me. I guess im just looking for credit. No pun intended of course.
    The time is 4:19a.m., and I have no one to call. No one to comfort me. Because hes already gone.

    Expertise is only confidence in what your refering to. A certian confidence in speech is applied when one speaks through expierence, wherein, one forgets that one is subject to the same truth as our latter; the confident one is evenly correct as the inexpierenced-yet knowledgeble.

    humans are not addicted to love, it is just logically so. Humans love because they largly approve of being happy. Love makes them very happy, so it is logically to say that humans are made to love. On a basis leval, if one chooses to be happy, with that decision, the extremes of it are longed for, and frequented by natural order.


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