Oft I find myself reflecting on things that have passed -- certainly not as much as I would like but not without good reason (as if there ever was one). Lately I have wondered how we got to this stage; where once I couldn't wait to speak to you, how you'd happy chat along with me and once where I felt like I was of some sort of importance in your eyes has been replaced with a silence and a pity glare here or there. You're different now and there's nothing that can bring that back. It pains me to know that I will never again see you as I once did; for not only have I deteriorated in your eyes but you in mine as well. I give up and what is left is the hope that you would be better, not in the way that things were before but that you would return to your former gentleman-like self. I have become afraid to talk to you because I don't know what to say, I don't know how you'll interpret it and mostly, you've made me feel like I'm not adequate and that I were nothing except someone who takes up space. I understand that I no longer hold a place in your eyes but you've been far crueler than necessary and when I've drawn up the courage to say something, you're mortified. What am I to do?
I wish, in vain, that that which came between us at the beginning of the year was on your mind when you first asked if it were okay for us to continue on last year. In that way, I would have never seen you differently, I would never have seen you as you are now and perhaps I would still admire you. I wish I would have known that you were going to hurt me, but I know that no one can ever know that at the beginning.
I wish I were special to someone.
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