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Rory (pliny82) wrote,
@ 2003-05-28 23:36:00
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    Current mood: blah
    Current music:The Clarks - Butterflies and Airplanes

    A Wednesday Night and No More Work to Do?
    That's right, this messed up little three day week has left me with nothing to do on a Wednesday night. So what do I do? Sit and think, and we all know how bad that is for the world! My apartment has become infested with ants. Yeah, little fuckers, I don't know where they're coming from, the vaccuum sure like to suck them up though. Anyway, I'm too lazy to get up and get bug spray. Which is really weird. I recently diagnosed myself with hyperthyroidism. I fit all of the symptoms. No sleep, hyperactivity, weight loss, no appetite. I used to get these little shakes in my hands. I used to freak out like it was parkinson's or something. Hyperthyroidism can leads to Grave's Disease, a symptom of which are the hand tremors. The good news is it's all treatable. Until I do it though, I still have sleepless nights and time to think, which is really shitty. I've said it before, I'll say it again, I hate the mistakes I've made in the past and there's no real way to fix them. But then again, history has a way of repeating itself. Am I destined to make the same mistakes? To be alone and regretting the past? That would suck way too bad. I keep trying to tell myself not to focus on anything like that, just go to class and work and that'll work itself out. But that's kind of hard when a Friday night roles around and the only thing on your agenda is to clean your apartment or go spend time with the family. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with being without a girlfriend right now, it's actually a really good thing. What I think sucks is the fact that it's still going to be like that a year or even 10 years from now. Does it make me a dork to come on here and bitch about it? I don't think so, I mean where the hell else am I going to go? Since transferring here, I really haven't met anyone. Now that's the dorky part. I think it's because part of my past followed me here. It's like still clinging to something I'm trying to hide from. I realize now that you can't hide from it, it's always going to be there until you replace it. If only it were that easy. No, my world doesn't treat me like it should. I have to fight and scrape for everything I have and want. Notice it's not just want. I have to fight to keep the things I do have. And it's a constant balancing act between who gets my attention. It's never them coming to me to help me out, it's always the other way around. And I can't tell them that because they turn it around on me somehow and get angry. I can't really do anything other than put up with it. Such is life. And life SUCKS! I'm just too nice, too generous, too giving to expect anything in return. There has to be something wrong with that. But until someone tells me otherwise, I really don't see another way around it. So off for another night of sleeplessness. I'll catch ya on the flipside.....

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