Lord Tony Sama (platapussman) wrote, @ 2005-12-20 00:35:00

Current mood:

horny

Chuck Norris Pwnz j00
50 Facts about Chuck Norris:
Ever since Bruce Lee died, there has been a power struggle between the coolest men in the world. Everyone knows that Chuck Norris, Morgan Freeman, Gary Busey, Bob Ross (::EDIT:: Only the naive think he is dead), Hulk Hogan, Bruce Campbell, and John Brzenk are just a few of the superpowers that duke it out every day to take possession of the hole left void by Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris has a slight advantage over the others though, because he was trained by Bruce Lee. Didn't know that? Well, here are a few other facts you probably didn't know about Chuck Norris.



1. Until 1983, all Chuck Norris movies were filmed with a hidden camera.
   
2. Viagra is extracted from Chuck Norris' beard.
   
3. Dinosaurs aren't really extinict; they're just hiding from Chuck Norris.
   
4. Chuck Norris doesn't put lights on his Christmas tree. He just lights it on fire.
   
5. A vampire tried to bite Chuck Norris and chipped a tooth. A werewolf tried to bite Chuck Norris and choked to death on Norris' skin cells flaking off. Needless to say, Norris has never lost any blood, ever.
   
6. Chuck Norris' blood can cure world hunger. Now you know why there are starving children.
   
7. Chuck Norris doesn't trust anything he can't kill. Because of this, Chuck Norris trusts everyone but ghosts, but hes working on a way to roundhouse kick them to death too.
   
8. Chuck Norris' left testicle is comprised entirely of beef jerky. Teriyaki style.
   
9. Even though Chuck Norris can cure cancer, he refuses to do so because he feels it would promote laziness and turn people into pansies.
   
10. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
    
11. Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.
    
12. Chuck Norris always wins Connect Four in six turns or less.
    
13. Chuck Norris once scored 100 points in an NBA game. He was just wearing his 7-foot-tall black man outfit that he calls "Wilt Chamberlain".
    
14. Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
    
15. Chuck Norris once ate all the potatoes in Ireland, causing the potato famine.
    
16. Chuck Norris can never die. Every thirty years Chuck Norris gives birth to himself. A fully adult, fully clothed, fully bearded Chuck Norris, equipped with all the skills and knowledge of the previous Chuck Norris. Including round house kicking skills, black magic, and the timeless art of seduction.
    
17. Chuck Norris can crap bricks of gold or small children of any race.
    
18. Chuck Norris eats pirates and craps ninjas.
    
19. When Chuck Norris found out who stole the cookies from the cookie jar, he found him and broke his neck; when the owner of the cookies asked for them back, Chuck Norris proceeded to roundhouse kick him in the face, Chuck Norris loves his cookies.
    
20. Chuck Norris has only celebrated April Fools Day once. The result was homosexuals.
    
21. Chuck Norris saw the movie, "The Polar Express," and immediately roundhouse kicked his 6 year old son in the face for convincing him to see it.
    
22. Chuck Norris invented water.
    
23. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
    
24. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
    
25. "Chuck Norris" spelled backwards is "I'm going to roundhouse kick you in your throat".
    
26. Chuck Norris' girlfriend is actually a blown up doll of himself, which he still, in fact, "slaps around".
    
27. Chuck Norris once inhaled a seagull.
    
28. In 1929 the stock market crashed. The reason this happened was because of a fight between Chuck Norris and Godzilla. Many people bet on Godzilla.
    
29. The Russian Mafia once put a hit on Chuck Norris. 30 minutes later the Mafia disbanded.
    
30. Chuck Norris can smell carbon monoxide.
    
31. There is a line of fine print in the declaration of independence that reads, "All men are created equal with one exception. Chuck Norris is equal to 350,000 men." Thomas Jefferson had no choice but to add this line when Chuck Norris single-handedly and accidentally won the American Revolution while doing light calisthenics. He then ripped out Jefferson's throat for not writing it earlier, and replaced all the signatures on the declaration with his own.
    
32. Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with babies.
    
33. Chuck Norris invented the haircare product "Just For Men". He later removed it from the stores and now makes it "Just for Chuck Norris". If you ask him to share his product, he will beat you to death and eat your children.
    
34. Chuck Norris is the only man to never use an eraser.
    
35. The only gold medal Chuck Norris hasn't won at the Olympics is in gymnastics because that is for fags.
    
36. Chuck Norris was the inspiration for Donkey Kong, HD-TV, and waterslides. Yes, waterslides.
    
37. Chuck Norris is illegal in 48 states.
    
38. Chuck Norris once round house kicked a lazy-eyed child in the face because he was starring at him.
    
39. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
    
40. Chuck Norris once killed a 10,000 pound bear, tore it into 10,000 pieces, and then fed it to a school of salmon just because he enjoyed the irony.
    
41. Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He eats them.
    
42. It took NASA's top engineers 17 years to develop tools durable and precise enough to trim Chuck Norris' beard.
    
43. Chuck Norris once wanted to see what he would look like without a beard. He then split himself into two Chucks. He shaved the new Chuck Norris and called it Vin Diesel.
    
44. Beowulf is based on Chuck Norris.
    
45. Chuck Norris created the prototype for the Total Gym out of rubberbands, paperclips and the stem cells of orphans.
    
46. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris was dropped at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
    
47. Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.
    
48. By the time Chuck Norris has finished shaving his beard has grown back.
    
49. The symbol for Chuck Norris in sign language is a middle finger on fire.
    
50. Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.

Congratulations! You now know more facts about Chuck Norris that most people do about their own mothers. Chuck Norris is the king.

Quote of the Day:
"I doubt you will get this far anyway, I bet you pansies gave up after the 10th fact about Chuck. Even reading about him was too much for you."

	nrswizard 2005-12-20 17:31 (link)
	chuck norris is cool, i mean, kicking butt in his 60's is impressive (he really doesn't look that old). however, walker texas ranger is the most retarded thing ever, with the possible exception of totally spies. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2005-12-21 22:16 (link)
	Dude. I saw "Chuck Norris" on some website, and I was like "I haven't read Tony's blog in a while...I wonder if there's something funny" and then I saw this and it was like a crazy coincidence. I read it all. Just because of that Chuck Norris inspired coincidence. -Caroline. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Starts With a "C" and Ends in a "Norris" platapussman 2005-12-23 03:57 (link)
	Chuck Norris works in mysterious ways. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

(Deleted post)

	Deleted platapussman 2005-12-22 23:34 (link)
	As much as I appreciate your commentary. I suggest a higher level of insight. Capital letters can go a long way. Sadly though, I have to delete this post because it offers me nothing. You lose. Good day sir. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	chainmale 2005-12-23 18:22 (link)
	My respect for Chuck Norris has multiplied exponentially. Thank you for opening my eyes Lord Tony. ~Sims (Reply to this) (Thread)