| Current mood: |  confused |
| Current music: | ... |
Reality is Confusing
I'll cut the crap:
 I am Tony Santi. This is the name given to me by my family and the came people used to call me by 2 years ago. I think I might be losing my grip on reality. Upon my studies, I have managed to isolate the possibility as being somwhere in between schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder. I will reread this entry and bold everything I believe not be me, but Natas writing. I have been too sleepy to function properly lately. I have also been quenching this thirst for sleep by take naps; long naps in the middle of the day. The problem here is that I have done nothing to make myself sleepy. I doubt Natas controls my body when I sleep because my family is down stairs, and I am almost positive they would notice something. On the contrary, I believe I am fully conscience when he says what he needs to say. I have distinct recollection of fabricating (making up) Natas about a year and a half ago in a conversation with my girlfriend while she wasn't there. This scared me because he started talking out loud to me, saying things I am almost confident I wasn't saying. I am sure the fear was natural. I locked him up in my head not knowing how else to deal with the problem. It was not until today that I realized he may have outsmarted me. Looking back on some of my articles, I realized that even though I recall writing it, it isn't me at all. In reality I am a rather reserved fellow who enjoys a good laugh, but not at the expense of pain. What I seem to have done is created an alter-ego that writes my anti-blogs for me and expresses the emotions that I don't feel. I am not horny all the time.
I woke up today after a bizarre nap in which I dreamed of Danielle Baker (not in a sexual way, I assure you) and I woke up scared. Apparently some time in that dream I had come to realize that my personality is separating. There are times when I am cruel, vulgar and funny; and then there are times when I logical, kind, and mature. These emotions were all one before Natas, but I noticed in the course of my dream that they are separating. They are moving apart slowly, but they are definitely separating. I am becoming two people: The Tony Sama you know is the fake, I am Tony Santi. Natas has taken my name and thrown a rather jumbled version of his own on the end. Originally I picked the name because "sama" is a Japanese title for "lord." At least that is what I have thought. I think he is smarter than I am, but I also believe that I possess control of my body that his portion of my brain cannot yet touch. I read somewhere that schizophrenia is degenerative, so I expect him to be like a cancer. He may, sometime in the future, get the better of me. That is enough about Natas though, he is just one of the roots of my problems.
Now for the real kicker. I am confused about the truth. I honestly do not know if I am making up that I am making him up. This is why I haven't told my mom, because I know she cares and would get help as soon as possible. I want to know I really have a problem before getting help for it. I also like not being normal. I don't even know if my friends are real. Actually, I believe my school friends are real, just not the people I don't talk to. I tested one day if I could get the attention of a popular cheer leader. I began talking directly to her in between classes and I did not even get a glance. She continued talking to her friends, so I tried to talk to her friends, and got the same response. I then through a wad of paper in their direction; again nothing. I kid you not, I then stood on the table and spun around and not a single head turned. Perhaps they are real and just butt holes, or perhaps my mind isn't giving them full personalities.
The thing I am worried about is not that I know I am losing my grip, it is that I don't care that I am losing my grip. If I cared I could pull myself out, but I don't. I don't want help. I like it. Reality is hard to deal with. I don't do drugs, I don't cut myself, I don't listen to rage rock, and I hardly ever turn the lights on. What I do in here is sleep, talk to my girlfriend (I know she is real because I knew her before I Natas came), work out, and break things. Maybe this my minds way of compensating for boredom. Another reason I haven't told my mom is because I will enjoy the attention too much, and I don't want to be one of those pansies who makes crap up as a cry for attention. I told my youth pastor to pray for me, but on second thought, the feeling of not knowing is a rush that I like. I know God can help me sort things out, but quite honestly, I want to let my mind degenerate before I try to fix it. I have never seen Natas. I am almost positive my friends are real. I am aware I talk to myself. I think I might be making this all up for attention, but the fact that I am mentioning that makes me think I am not. I do not want to lie about my mental health. This all might just spring from my overactive imagination. I can promise you though, if I ever lose control of my body, see Natas, see anyone that other people think isn't real. I will get help. Now, time to reread and bold the stuff Natas wrote.
Quote of the Day Stolen From Bash:
"Warmaster_Horus: But some of the stuff you can do with mayo is good
NiTessine: Yes. Like assassinations.
Mithran: You assassinate people with mayo?
NiTessine: Nobody ever suspects mayo."
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(Anonymous)
2005-11-19 07:08
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dude, tony if i were you i would pick someone that you know is real and use them as a reality check as often as you doubt something is real. and then just go from there and you can see if you actually have a problem. no one can diagnose themselves and know that theyre right.
- M Saacke(Reply to this) (Thread) |
| From Randy
(Anonymous)
2005-11-19 18:43
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Your fine. If you ever want my input on the situation you can always ask. Until then the best medicine for anyone with any problem in the world is to focus on life's real problems(a good way of avoiding melodramatics). On a lighter note I have some cool news for you. If you ever want to shoot a movie that requires alot of bones I found the perfect spot. Its a small forest with alot of dead cows in it. Pretty cool. Some tight rib cage shots avalable and atleast three skulls. Oh and check your email cause im gonna write about my future(and perhaps yours). later, Randy (Reply to this) (Thread) |
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