|Current music:||i have confidence~sound of music|
i know i know i already wrote something today but i can't stop thinking. i miss my latin teacher. i miss my best friend. he was one of the many guys that have come in and out of my life. there has been seven guys that have made an impact on me in some way or another one i have lost contact since middle school, four are still around, one went to kuwait and the other wants no contact w/ me. i know i lied to him, and i really fucked up but all i want to do is talk, tell him how i really feel, he's like this jekel hyde only to me. i am too, i act like this bitch whom loves pain. i don't like pain. someone told me "you am alone but not lonley" and my latin teacher told me "you are lonley but never alone". i am the only me in exsistance but im not the only person in the universe. i feel lonley and alone at the same time and again at the same time i feel the opposite. i know im not crazy, i am just going thrugh normal teenage angst. this is normal. sometimes i wish my latin teach was still around, i sometimes feel he left too soon in my life but also left at the perfect time. this all makes much sence to me, im sorry if it doesn't to you. i wish a lot. and sometimes if a iwish hard enough, my dreams and wishes come true. i wish i hadn't made the mistakes i made, that i could be what my ex-boyfriend wanted me to be. do i still love him? i don'ty know, i have no doubt in my mind that i did at one point. i loved him as a bestfriend and someone i could spend a long time w/ as a friend, conntinually growing as friends. now, i know i didn't follow his advice all the time and did the opposite. i know he wanted me to change. i grew as a person....good things take time. and as im growing into this new body, i realize i had this peson inside of me all along. i said that people are doors and all you need is the key to unlock them. my door was gradified and worn. it was simple and i couldn't even unlock my own door, he and all my men in my life helped me find my key. they didn't give me one, i had the key all along. so my door is open, and the inside is new and big, i have much time to explore. i liked my door, but i have a hard time letting things go. now i think i can. this might seem corny or stupid to you all and i don't care, this is my testimony. an epiphany that has been built up for two years now. i can complain, whine, but i would be lying. as i finish i will say this, a great person said to me "a great person once said, be brave, if your not then fake it and no one will know the difference....be confident if your not then fake it and no one will know the difference" i am confident....with myself.
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i did change, i didn't want to change FOR him although i would like to be his perfect girl sometimes. i changed unintentionally and on perpose. its hard to explain|
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