|Current mood:|| confused|
|Current music:||Seether - Truth|
I seriously need answers....?
Turns out... this whole thing with Clare and the whole growing up thing. I thought it might have been me acting a little immature.... but turns out, it not.
I have made a huge effort to be civil, so that we can still be friends and... she is now seems to be going out of her way to completely ignore my very existence. At first I thought it was just me... but after all I have witnessed, and I have heard now from a quite a few people some of her closer friends its not just me and she is being "cruel", "silly, "stubborn", "stupid" and the word "bitch" has actually now surfaced.
Some people said ‘give it time, you didn’t break up that long ago and this is her dealing with it’, I completely accept that as an answer… but times rolling on, nothing’s changed, and for someone that dumped me and said that she ‘probably stopped loving me 12months before the split… umm you can see why I am more than a little confused?
I hate to talk crap about people (sometimes its just fun), but there is only so much bull shit one can actually handle... whether she knows it or not the way she was acting the day before new years, and again new years eve, it actually reduced me to tears. It's bad enough that after going out for three years and everything else... to find that our relationship ment so little to her to so much as sit down and really talk out our concerns to just end it... she is now seems to be going out of her way to twist the knife around to hurt me further so that any sort of friendship is impossible.
I would love to know what I did, or she thinks that I did to deserve any of this... seriously what the fuck is going on?!
.... is it me?? Am I fucken defective or something?
Now that I got all that rant out the way I will look to happier news... last few months I lost 6-7kgs, as I said before I so didn't need to, but I'm not complaining. I have now also started to go to gym on a regular basis... and I got to say have only just started, but a week in and I got to be honest I am starting to feel real good about myself. I still have moments of self doubt... like the ones above, but it only seems to be when I am trying to work out what is going through Clare’s head, and the more time that passes and the more people I talk to... I shouldn't even bother trying to figure it out and I really should just kick her off the metaphorical pedestal that I have had her on since the first day that we met. Soon as I can bring myself to do that, to sooner I can bring my social confidence to a new level.
In other news… been talking about it for a while now and I have decided that I am going to finally get my ass behind the wheel of a new car... of the two door sports variety. And soon as Anthony's MR2 is finished I am going to have to give it a spin and see what I think... from all the pics it looks mint... and what can I say, I miss the whole scene. Yes I am saving for a place of my own.... I figure its going to be a long slog anyways and buggered if I am going to slog all the way through it not have fun, not do the things that I enjoy, and do it all stuck under my perants roof (like oh so many of my friends) cos I am too... whatever to grow the fuck up and join the real world. In saying that... I am out of home already; I can have the car... and still slog away at that new house, while actually living my life.
Here is to getting answers and to happier times.
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