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pinkranger (pinkranger) wrote,
@ 2003-06-08 13:09:00
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    good bye to u.....
    today was a very hard day....
    i went to see my grandpa in the hospital...u should have seeen him, skin and bones, i could barley look @ him i cried befor i reached the room, praparing for what i was going to see. i guess i didnt prepare we'll enough cause it about killed me. i broke down, i ran away from it i ran out side and begain to sobe. Y? Y did he have to die like this, in so much pain. He kept screaming out for someone to help him and there was nothing we could do, i dont even think he knew we were there. People have been stopping by to see how were doing and then going to see my grandpa...i dont want them to, everytime i see someone else reaction to whats going on i begin to cry all over again. My family walked into the room befor me, they told me not to go in cause it was to much to look @, of course knowing myself i went in anyways @ this point i glance over my sholder and see him lying there so weak, my dad was crying now...a man who barley ever crys i think ive seen him cry one other time and that was when my mom was in the hospital. then my aunt read from the bible, were not a religious family but we do find comfort in god. she read psalms 23......this is where i broke...
    psalms 23
    Jehovah is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;
    He leadeth me beside still waters.
    He restoreth my soul:
    He guideth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
    Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil; for thou art with me;
    Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
    Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
    Thou hast anointed my head with oil;
    My cup runneth over.
    Surely goodness and lovingkindness shall follow me all the days of my life;
    And I shall dwell in the house of Jehovah for ever.

    my grandma broke out @ this point...crying so hard..u could tell she wanted to scream, she kept saying we had so many good times....we had fun together....i love him.....she laughed thinking bak @ there goodtimes, i laughed cause it was easier to smile. I took the bible from my aunt and begain strocking it, it was my grandpas, it was a part of him, something from him, owned by him. For those few min it was mine and only mine i read from it, lots of it....i almost never read the bible...i found so much comfort. i stared @ that verse and i found comfort in that as well. When we were leaving my granda said pray he goes soon...
    although that sounds horrible...i prayed, i prayed on the way out of the hospital, on the way to the car, on the way home, and im parying threw this letter.

    this journal is for my grandpa.....i love u.....ill miss over me from above and i will join u in time

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I'm sorry.
2003-06-08 18:25 (link)
You must be very depressed right now. I know the feeling. My great aunt died last November. I knew her, she took care of me, every once in a while. We weren't close. It's just that feeling, knowing someone in your family, someone you loved and cared about, died. I went to her viewing, and I cried more than I ever have in my entire life. I cried coz I saw her in her coffin, and she was so cold, and I cried coz my great grandmother, her mother was crying...everyone was crying. Her funeral, I cried more, as they lowered her casket, I couldn't imagine her in the ground, she was so beautiful, she deserved to be alive. So many people loved her. She was a wonderful person. I cried the most coz I didn't get to know her more. I didn't visit her, or spend time with her. The only time we saw each other was at Christmas time or Mother's Day. I regret it. Death just makes you realize how much you're taking for granted. Spend time with the people you love and make you happy, and let them know that you love them. Your grandpa is still alive. Visit him, as much as you can. You say you don't know if he even knows you love him. Tell him, just tell him. I wish I had told my aunt, I never did, not once in my life. Then she just, died. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, tell her I loved her. Take advantage of that chance. It will make his day, he may not know who you are, but just knowing someone loves you, makes death easier. I'll pray for him. It'll be okay. I'm here if you need to talk.

You know, this makes me realize another thing. We can't just let our friendship go coz it feels like it's changed. We can't forget about those few weeks we were so close. You were my best friend. You were there for me. You made me smile when I thought it was impossible, and you made me happy, when I was depressed. You kept me from running away, you kept me from doing some stupid things. You saved my life, and you saved me from myself. You understood me. I can't let that go. True friendships are hard to find. You have to hold on with all you've got. It takes hard work, but we can make it last. Remeber, I love you.

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